My Uncle Oswald Read online

  'That's enough of that, Wolfgang,' Sir Charles said. 'Let's not start any wars. We are listening to a most interesting story. Carry on, my boy.'

  'So the next time,' I said, 'we only isolated twenty of these tiny red microscopic nuclei. We inserted them in a pellet of bread and then went out looking for a very old man. With the help of the local newspaper, we found our old man in Newmarket - that's a town not far from Cambridge. His name was Mr Sawkins and he was one hundred and two years old. He was suffering from advanced senility. His mind was wandering and he had to be fed by spoon. He had not been out of bed for seven years. The Professor and I knocked on the door of his house and his daughter, aged eighty, opened it. "I am Professor Yousoupoff," the Professor announced. "I have discovered a great medicine to help old people. Will you allow us to give some to your poor old father?"

  ' "You can give 'im anything you damn well please," the daughter said. "The old fool doesn't know what's goin' on from one day to the next. 'Ee's a flamin' nuisance."

  'We went upstairs and the Professor somehow managed to poke the bread pellet down the old man's throat. I noted the time by my watch. "Let us retire to the street outside and observe," the Professor said.

  'We went out and stood in the street. I was counting each minute aloud as it went by. And then - you won't believe this, gentlemen, but I swear it's exactly what happened - precisely on the dot of nine minutes, there was a thunderous bellow from inside the Sawkins's house. The front door burst open and the old man himself rushed out into the street. He was in bare feet, wearing dirty blue and grey striped pyjamas and his long white hair was all over his shoulders. "I want me a woman!" he bellowed. "I want me a woman and by God I'm goin' to get me a woman!" The Professor clutched my arm. "Don't move!" he ordered. "Just observe!"

  'The eighty-year-old daughter came rushing out after the father. "Come back, you old fool!" she yelled. "What the 'ell d'you think you're up to?"

  'We were, by the way, in a little street with a row of identical connected houses on either side. Mr Sawkins ignored his daughter and ran, he actually ran, to the next-door house. He started banging on the door with his fists. "Open up, Mrs Twitchell!" he bellowed. "Come on, my beauty, open up and let's 'ave a bit of fun!"

  'I caught a glimpse of the terrified face of Mrs Twitchell at the window. Then it went away. Mr Sawkins, still bellowing, put his shoulder to the flimsy door and smashed the lock. He dived inside. We stayed out on the street, waiting for the next development. The Professor was very excited. He was jumping up and down in his funny black boots and shouting, "We have a breakthrough! We've done it! We shall rejuvenate the world!"

  'Suddenly, piercing screams and yells came issuing from Mrs Twitchell's house. Neighbours were beginning to gather on the street. "Go in and get 'im!" shouted the old daughter. "'Ees' gone stark starin' mad!" Two men ran into the Twitchell house. There were sounds of a scuffle. Soon, out came the two men, frog-marching old Mr Sawkins between them. "I 'ad 'er!" he was yelling. "I 'ad the old bitch good and proper! I near rattled 'er to death!" At that point, the Professor and I moved quietly away from the scene.'

  I paused in my story. Seven Ambassadors, the Foreign Minister of France, the French Army General and the little Japanese man were all now leaning forward in their seats, their eyes upon me.

  'Is this exactly what happened?' Sir Charles asked me.

  'Every word of it, sir, is the gospel truth,' I lied. 'When Professor Yousoupoff publishes his findings, the whole world will be reading what I have just told you.'

  'So what happened next?' the Peruvian Ambassador asked.

  'From then on, it was comparatively simple,' I said. 'The Professor conducted a series of experiments designed to discover what the proper absolutely safe dose should be for a normal adult male. For this, he used undergraduate volunteers. And you can be quite sure, gentlemen, that he had no trouble getting young men to come forward. As soon as the news spread around the University, there was a waiting list of over eight hundred. But to cut the story short, the Professor finally demonstrated that the safe dose was no more than five of those tiny microscopic nuclei from the pomegranate seed. So, using calcium carbonate as a base, he manufactured a pill containing exactly this quantity of the magic substance. And he proved beyond any doubt that just one of these pills would, in precisely nine minutes, turn any man, even a very old man, into a marvellously powerful sex-machine that was capable of pleasuring his partner for six hours nonstop, without exception.'

  'Gott in Himmel!' shouted the German Ambassador. 'Ver can I get hold of ziss stuff?'

  'Me, too!' cried the Russian Ambassador. 'I haff priority claim because it voss invented by my countryman! I muss inform zee Tsar at vonce!'

  Suddenly, they were all speaking at the same time. Where could they get it? They wanted it now! How much did it cost? They were willing to pay handsomely! And the little Japanese fellow sitting on my left leaned over and hissed, 'You get me big supply of pills, yes. I give you very much money.'

  'Now just a moment, gentlemen,' Sir Charles said, raising a wrinkled hand for silence. 'Our young friend here has told us a fascinating story, but as he correctly pointed out, he was only a junior assistant to Professor whatever-his-name-is. I am quite sure, therefore, that he is not in a position to supply us with this remarkable new pill. Perhaps though, my dear Oswald,' and here Sir Charles leaned toward me and placed a withered hand gently on my forearm, 'perhaps, my dear Oswald, you could put me in touch with the great Professor. One of my duties here at the Embassy is to keep the Foreign Office informed of all new scientific discoveries.'

  'I quite understand,' I said.

  'If I could obtain a bottle of these pills, preferably a large bottle, I would send it straight to London.'

  'And I vould sent it to Petrograd,' said the Russian Ambassador.

  'And me to Budapest.'

  'And me to Mexico City.'

  'And me to Lima.'

  'And me to Rome.'

  'Rubbish!' cried the German Ambassador. 'You vont dem for yourselves, you dirty olt men!'

  'Now then, Wolfgang,' Sir Charles said, squirming a bit.

  'Vy not, my dear Sharles? I too vont dem for myself. For zee Kaiser as well, of course, but me first.'

  I decided I rather liked the German Ambassador. He was anyway honest.

  'I think it best, gentlemen,' Sir Charles said, 'if I myself make all the arrangements. I shall write personally to the Professor.'

  'The Japanese people,' Mr Mitsouko said, 'are very interested in all massage techniques and hot baths and in all similar technological advances, especially the Emperor himself.'

  I allowed them to finish. I was in control now and that gave me a good feeling. I helped myself to another glass of port but refused the huge cigar Sir Charles offered me. 'Would you prefer a smaller one, dear boy?' he asked me eagerly. 'Or a Turkish cigarette? I have some Balkan Sobranies.'

  'No, thank you, sir,' I said, 'but the port is delicious.'

  'Help yourself, dear boy! Fill your glass!'

  'I have some interesting news,' I said, and suddenly everyone became silent. The German Ambassador cupped a hand behind his ear. The Russian leaned forward in his seat. So did all the rest of them.

  'What I am about to tell you is extremely confidential,' I said. 'May I rely upon all of you to keep it to yourselves?'

  There was a chorus of 'Yes, yes! Of course! Absolutely! Carry on, young fellow!'

  'Thank you,' I said. 'Now the point is this. As soon as I knew that I was going to Paris I decided I simply must take with me a supply of these pills, especially for my father's great friend, Sir Charles Makepiece.'

  'My dear boy!' Sir Charles cried out. 'What a generous thought!'

  'I could not, of course, ask the Professor to give any of them to me,' I said. 'He would never have agreed to that. After all, they are still on the secret list.'

  'So what did you do?' asked Sir Charles. He was dribbling with excitement. 'Did you purloin them?'

  'Certain
ly not, sir,' I said. 'Stealing is a criminal act.'

  'Never mind about us, dear boy. We won't tell a soul.'

  'So vott did you do?' the German Ambassador asked. 'You say you haff dem and you didn't steal them?'

  'I made them myself,' I said.

  'Brilliant!' they cried. 'Magnifique!'

  'Having assisted the Professor at every stage,' I said, 'I naturally knew exactly how to manufacture these pills. So I... well... I simply made them in his laboratory each day when he was out to lunch.' Slowly, I reached behind me and took one small round box from my tailcoat pocket. I placed it on the low table. I opened the lid. And there, lying in its little nest of cotton-wool, was a single scarlet pill.

  Everyone leaned forward to look. Then I saw the plump white hand of the German Ambassador sliding across the surface of the table towards the box like a weasel stalking a mouse. Sir Charles saw it, too. He smacked the palm of his own hand on top of the German's, pinning it down. 'Now, Wolfgang,' he said, 'don't be impatient.'

  'I vont zee pill!' Ambassador Wolfgang shouted.

  Sir Charles put his other hand over the pill-box and kept it there. 'Do you have more?' he asked me.

  I fished in my tailcoat pockets and brought out nine more boxes. 'There is one for each of you,' I said.

  Eager hands reached across, grabbing the little boxes. 'I pay,' said Mr Mitsouko. 'How much you want?'

  'No,' I said. 'These are presents. Try them out, gentlemen. See what you think.'

  Sir Charles was studying the label on the box. 'Ah-ha,' he said. 'I see you have your address printed here.'

  'That's just in case,' I said.

  'In case of what?'

  'In case anyone wishes to get a second pill,' I said.

  I noticed that the German Ambassador had taken out a little book and was making notes. 'Sir,' I said to him, 'I expect you are thinking of telling your scientists to investigate the seed of the pomegranate. Am I not right?'

  'Zatt iss exactly vot I am tinking,' he said.

  'No good,' I said. 'Waste of time.'

  'May I ask vy?'

  'Because it's not the pomegranate,' I said. 'It's something else.'

  'So you lie to us!'

  'It is the only untruth I have told you in the entire story,' I said. 'Forgive me, but I had to do it. I had to protect Professor Yousoupoff's secret. It was a point of honour. All the rest is true. Believe me it's true. It is especially true that each of you has in his possession the most powerful rejuvenator the world has ever known.'

  At that point, the ladies returned and each man in our group quickly and rather surreptitiously pocketed his pill-box. They stood up. They greeted their wives. I noticed that Sir Charles had suddenly become absurdly jaunty. He hopped across the room and splashed a silly sort of kiss smack on Lady Makepiece's scarlet lips. She gave him one of those cool what-on-earth-was-that-for looks. Unabashed, he took her arm and led her across the room into a throng of people. I last saw Mr Mitsouko prowling around the floor inspecting the womenflesh at very close quarters, like a horse-coper examining a bunch of mares on the market-place. I slipped quietly away.

  Half an hour later, I was back at my boarding-house in the Avenue Marceau. The family had retired and all the lamps were out, but as I passed the bedroom of Mademoiselle Nicole in the upstairs corridor, I could see in the crack between the door and the floor a flicker of candlelight. The little trollop was waiting for me again. I decided not to go in. There was nothing new for me in there. Even at this early stage in my career, I had already decided that the only women who interested me were new women. Second time round was no good. It was like reading a detective novel twice over. You knew exactly what was going to happen next. The fact that I had recently broken this rule by visiting Mademoiselle Nicole a second time was beside the point. That was done simply to test my Blister Beetle powder. And by the way, this principle of no-woman-more-than-once is one that I have stuck to rigorously all my life and I commend it to all men of action who enjoy variety.

  5

  That night I slept well. I was still fast asleep at eleven o'clock the next morning when the sound of Madame Boisvain's fists hammering at my door jerked me awake. 'Get up, Monsieur Cornelius!' she was shouting. 'You must come down at once! People have been ringing my bell and demanding to see you since before breakfast!'

  I was dressed and downstairs in two minutes flat. I went to the front door and there, standing on the cobblestones of the sidewalk, were no less than seven men, none of whom I had ever seen before. They made a picturesque little group in their many-coloured fancy uniforms with all manner of gilt and silver buttons on their jackets.

  They turned out to be Embassy Messengers, and they came from the British, the German, the Russian, the Hungarian, the Italian, the Mexican and the Peruvian Embassies. Each man carried a letter addressed to me. I accepted the letters and opened them on the spot. All of them said roughly the same thing: They wanted more pills. They begged for more pills. They instructed me to give the pills to the bearer of the letter, etc. etc.

  I told the messengers to wait on the street and I went back up to my room. Then, I wrote the following message on each of the letters: Honoured Sir, these pills are extremely expensive to manufacture. I regret that in future the cost of each pill will be one thousand francs. In those days there were twenty francs to the pound, which meant that I was asking exactly fifty pounds sterling per pill. And fifty pounds in 1912 was worth maybe ten times as much as it is today. By today's standards, I was probably asking about five hundred pounds per pill. It was a ridiculous price, but these were wealthy men. They were also sex-crazy men, and as any sensible woman will tell you, a man who is very wealthy and grossly sex-crazy both at the same time is the easiest touch in the world.

  I trotted downstairs again and handed the letters back to their respective carriers and told them to deliver them to their masters. As I was doing this, two more messengers arrived, one from the Quai d'Orsay (the Foreign Minister) and one from the General at the Ministry of War or whatever it is called. And while I was scribbling the same statement about price on these last two letters, who should turn up in a very fine hansom cab but Mr Mitsouko himself. His appearance shocked me. The previous night he had been a bouncy, dapper, bright-eyed little Jap. This morning he hardly had the strength to get out of his cab, and as he came tottering toward me, his legs began to buckle. I grabbed hold of him just in time.

  'My dear sir!' he gasped, putting both hands on my shoulders for support. 'My dear, dear sir! It's a miracle! It's a wonder-pill! It's... it's the greatest invention of all time!'

  'Hang on,' I said. 'Are you feeling all right?'

  'Of Of course I am all right,' he gasped. 'I am a little bit jiggered, that's all.' He started to giggle, and there he stood, this tiny oriental person dressed in a top hat and tails, clinging to my shoulders and giggling quite uncontrollably now. He was so small that the top of his top hat came no higher than my lowest rib. 'I am a little bit jiggered and a little bit pokered,' he said, 'but who would not be, my dear boy, who would not be?'

  'What happened, sir?' I asked him.

  'I molested seven women!' he cried. 'And these were not our dinky-tinky little Japanese women! No, no, no! They were enormous strong French wenchies! I took them in rotation, bang bang bang! And every one of them was screaming out camarade camarade camarade! I was a giant among these women, do you understand that, my dear young sir? I was a giant and I swung my giant club and I sent them all squiggling in every direction!'

  I led him inside and sat him down in Madame Boisvain's parlour. I found him a glass of brandy. He gulped it down and a faint yellowish colour began returning to his white cheeks. I noticed that there was a leather satchel suspended by a cord around his right wrist, and when he took it off and dumped it on the table, there was the clinking of coins inside it.

  'You must be careful, sir,' I said to him. 'You are a small man and these are large pills. I think it would be safer if you took only half the normal dose e
ach time. Just half a pill instead of one.'

  'Bunkum, sir!' he cried. 'Bunkum and horseradish sauce as we say in Japan! Tonight I propose to take not one pill but three!'

  'Have you read what it says on the label?' I asked him anxiously. The last thing I wanted was a dead Jap around the place. Think of the outcry, the autopsy, the inquiries, and the pill-boxes with my name on them in his house.

  'I examine the label,' he said, holding his glass out for more of Madame Boisvain's brandy, 'and I ignore it. We Japanese, we may be small in body but our organs are of gigantic size. That is why we walk bowlegged.'

  I decided I would try to discourage him by doubling the price. 'I'm afraid they are terrifically expensive, these pills,' I said.

  'Money no object,' he said, pointing to the leather satchel on the table. 'I pay in gold coins.'

  'But Mr Mitsouko,' I said, 'each pill is going to cost you two thousand francs! They are very difficult to manufacture. That's an awful lot of money for one pill.'

  'I take twenty,' he said without even blinking.

  My God, I thought, he is going to kill himself. 'I cannot allow you to have them,' I told him, 'unless you give me your word you will never take more than one at a time.'

  'Do not lecture me, young buckeroo,' he said. 'Just get me the pills.'

  I went upstairs and counted out twenty pills and put them in a plain bottle. I wasn't going to risk having my name and address on this lot.

  'Ten I shall send to the Emperor in Tokyo,' Mr Mitsouko said when I handed them to him. 'It will put me in a very hot position with His Royal Highness.'

  'It'll put the Empress in some pretty hot positions, too,' I said.

  He grinned and took up the leather satchel and emptied a vast pile of gold coins on to the table. They were all one hundred franc pieces. 'Twenty coins for each pill,' he said, starting to count them out. 'That is four hundred coins altogether. And well worth it, my young magician.'

  When he had gone, I scooped up the coins and carried them up to my room.

  My God, I thought. I am rich already.

  But before the day was done, I was a lot richer. One by one, the messengers started trickling back from their respective Embassies and Ministries. They all carried precise orders and exact amounts of money, most of it in gold twenty-franc pieces. This is how it went: