George's Marvellous Medicine Read online

  George's Marvellous Medicine

  Roald Dahl

  ROALD DAHL

  George's Marvellous Medicine

  WARNING TO READERS: Do not try to make George's Marvellous Medicine yourselves at home. It could be dangerous.

  Grandma

  'I'm going shopping in the village,' George's mother said to George on Saturday morning. 'So be a good boy and don't get up to mischief.'

  This was a silly thing to say to a small boy at any time. It immediately made him wonder what sort of mischief he might get up to.

  'And don't forget to give Grandma her medicine at eleven o'clock,' the mother said. Then out she went, closing the back door behind her.

  Grandma, who was dozing in her chair by the window, opened one wicked little eye and said, 'Now you heard what your mother said, George.

  Don't forget my medicine.'

  'No, Grandma,' George said.

  'And just try to behave yourself for once while she's away.'

  'Yes, Grandma,' George said.

  George was bored to tears. He didn't have a brother or a sister. His father was a farmer and the farm they lived on was miles away from anywhere, so there were never any children to play with. He was tired of staring at pigs and hens and cows and sheep. He was especially tired of having to live

  in the same house as that grizzly old grunion of a Grandma. Looking after her all by himself was hardly the most exciting way to spend a Saturday morning.

  'You can make me a nice cup of tea for a start,' Grandma said to George. 'That'll keep you out of mischief for a few minutes.'

  'Yes, Grandma,' George said.

  George couldn't help disliking Grandma. She was a selfish grumpy old woman. She had pale brown teeth and a small puckered up mouth like a dog's bottom.

  'How much sugar in your tea today, Grandma?' George asked her.

  'One spoon,' she said. 'And no milk.'

  Most grandmothers are lovely, kind, helpful old ladies, but not this one. She spent all day and every day sitting in her chair by the window, and she was always complaining, grousing, grouching, grumbling, griping about something or other. Never once, even on her best days, had she smiled at George and said, 'Well, how are you this morning, George?' or 'Why don't you and I have a game of Snakes and Ladders?' or 'How was school today?'

  She didn't seem to care about other people, only about herself. She was a miserable old grouch.

  George went into the kitchen and made Grandma a cup of tea with a teabag. He put one spoon of sugar in it and no milk. He stirred the sugar well and carried the cup into the living-room.

  Grandma sipped the tea. 'It's not sweet enough,' she said. Put more sugar in.'

  George took the cup back to the kitchen and added another spoonful of sugar. He stirred it again and carried it carefully in to Grandma.

  'Where's the saucer?' she said. 'I won't have a cup without a saucer.'

  George fetched her a saucer.

  'And what about a teaspoon, if you please?'

  'I've stirred it for you, Grandma. I stirred it well.'

  'I'll stir my own tea, thank you very much,' she said. 'Fetch me a teaspoon.'

  George fetched her a teaspoon.

  When George's mother or father were home, Grandma never ordered George about like this. It was only when she had him on her own that she began treating him badly.

  'You know what's the matter with you?' the old woman said, staring at George over the rim of the teacup with those bright wicked little eyes. 'You're growing too fast. Boys who grow too fast become stupid and lazy.'

  'But I can't help it if I'm growing fast, Grandma,' George said.

  'Of course you can,' she snapped. 'Growing's a nasty childish habit.'

  'But we have to grow, Grandma. If we didn't grow, we'd never be grownups.'

  'Rubbish, boy, rubbish,' she said. 'Look at me. Am I growing? Certainly not.'

  'But you did once, Grandma.'

  'Only very little ,' the old woman answered. 'I gave up growing when I was extremely small, along with all the other nasty childish habits like laziness and disobedience and greed and sloppiness and untidiness and stupidity. You haven't given up any of these things, have you?'

  'I'm still only a little boy, Grandma.'

  'You're eight years old,' she snorted. 'That's old enough to know better. If you don't stop growing soon, it'll be too late.'

  'Too late for what, Grandma?'

  'It's ridiculous,' she went on. 'You're nearly as tall as me already.'

  George took a good look at Grandma. She certainly was a very tiny person. Her legs were so short she had to have a footstool to put her feet on, and her head only came half-way up the back of the armchair.

  'Daddy says it's fine for a man to be tall,' George said.

  'Don't listen to your daddy,' Grandma said. 'Listen to me.'

  'But how do I stop myself growing?' George asked her.

  'Eat less chocolate,' Grandma said.

  'Does chocolate make you grow?'

  'It makes you grow the wrong way ,' she snapped. 'Up instead of down.'

  Grandma sipped some tea but never took her eyes from the little boy who stood before her. 'Never grow up,' she said. 'Always down.'

  'Yes, Grandma.'

  'And stop eating chocolate. Eat cabbage instead.'

  'Cabbage! Oh no, I don't like cabbage,' George said.

  'It's not what you like or what you don't like,' Grandma snapped. 'It's what's good for you that counts. From now on, you must eat cabbage three times a day. Mountains of cabbage! And if it's got caterpillars in it, so much the better!'

  'Owch,' George said.

  'Caterpillars give you brains,' the old woman said.

  'Mummy washes them down the sink,' George said.

  'Mummy's as stupid as you are,' Grandma said. 'Cabbage doesn't taste of anything without a few boiled caterpillars in it. Slugs, too.'

  'Not slugs !' George cried out. 'I couldn't eat slugs!'

  'Whenever I see a live slug on a piece of lettuce,' Grandma said, 'I gobble it up quick before it crawls away. Delicious.' She squeezed her lips together tight so that her mouth became a tiny wrinkled hole. 'Delicious,' she said again. 'Worms and slugs and beetley bugs. You don't know what's good for you.'

  'You're joking, Grandma.'

  'I never joke,' she said. 'Beetles are perhaps best of all. They go crunch !'

  'Grandma! That's beastly!'

  The old hag grinned, showing those pale brown teeth. 'Sometimes, if you're lucky,' she said, 'you get a beetle inside the stem of a stick of celery. That's what I like.'

  'Grandma! How could you?'

  'You find all sorts of nice things in sticks of raw celery,' the old woman went on. 'Sometimes it's earwigs.'

  'I don't want to hear about it!' cried George.

  'A big fat earwig is very tasty,' Grandma said, licking her lips. 'But you've got to be very quick, my dear, when you put one of those in your mouth.

  It has a pair of sharp nippers on its back end and if it grabs your tongue with those, it never lets go. So you've got to bite the earwig first, chop chop , before it bites you.'

  George started edging towards the door. He wanted to get as far away as possible from this filthy old woman.

  'You're trying to get away from me, aren't you,' she said, pointing a finger straight at George's face. 'You're trying to get away from Grandma.'

  Little George stood by the door staring at the old hag in the chair. She stared back at him.

  Could it be, George wondered, that she was a witch? He had always thought witches were only in fairy tales, but now he was not so sure.

  'Come closer to me, little boy,' she said, beckoning to him with a horny finger. 'Come clos
er to me and I will tell you secrets .'

  George didn't move.

  Grandma didn't move either.

  'I know a great many secrets,' she said, and suddenly she smiled. It was a thin icy smile, the kind a snake might make just before it bites you. 'Come over here to Grandma and she'll whisper secrets to you.'

  George took a step backwards, edging closer to the door.

  'You mustn't be frightened of your old Grandma,' she said, smiling that icy smile.

  George took another step backwards.

  'Some of us,' she said, and all at once she was leaning forward in her chair and whispering in a throaty sort of voice George had never heard her use before. 'Some of us,' she said, 'have magic powers that can twist the creatures of this earth into wondrous shapes . . .'

  A tingle of electricity flashed down the length of George's spine. He began to feel frightened.

  'Some of us,' the old woman went on, 'have fire on our tongues and sparks in our bellies and wizardry in the tips of our fingers . . .

  'Some of us know secrets that would make your hair stand straight up on end and your eyes pop out of their sockets . . .'

  George wanted to run away, but his feet seemed stuck to the floor.

  'We know how to make your nails drop off and teeth grow out of your fingers instead.'

  George began to tremble. It was her face that frightened him most of all, the frosty smile, the brilliant unblinking eyes.

  'We know how to have you wake up in the morning with a long tail coming out from behind you.'

  'Grandma!' he cried out. 'Stop!'

  'We know secrets, my dear, about dark places where dark things live and squirm and slither all over each other . . .'

  George made a dive for the door.

  'It doesn't matter how far you run,' he heard her saying, 'you won't ever get away . . .'

  George ran into the kitchen, slamming the door behind him.

  The Marvellous Plan

  George sat himself down at the table in the kitchen. He was shaking a little. Oh, how he hated Grandma! He really hated that horrid old witchy woman.

  And all of a sudden he had a tremendous urge to do something about her. Something whopping . Something absolutely terrific . A real shocker . A sort of explosion. He wanted to blow away the witchy smell that hung about her in the next room. He may have been only eight years old but he was a brave little boy. He was ready to take this old woman on.

  'I'm not going to be frightened by her ,' he said softly to himself. But he was frightened. And that's why he wanted suddenly to explode her away.

  Well . . . not quite away. But he did want to shake the old woman up a bit.

  Very well, then. What should it be, this whopping terrific exploding shocker for Grandma?

  He would have liked to put a firework banger under her chair but he didn't have one.

  He would have liked to put a long green snake down the back of her dress but he didn't have a long green snake.

  He would have liked to put six big black rats in the room with her and lock the door but he didn't have six big black rats.

  As George sat there pondering this interesting problem, his eye fell upon the bottle of Grandma's brown medicine standing on the sideboard. Rotten stuff it seemed to be. Four times a day a large spoonful of it was shovelled into her mouth and it didn't do her the slightest bit of good. She was always just as horrid after she'd had it as she'd been before. The whole point of medicine, surely, was to make a person better. If it didn't do that, then it was quite useless.

  So-ho ! thought George suddenly. Ah-ha! Ho-hum ! I know exactly what I'll do. I shall make her a new medicine, one that is so strong and so fierce and so fantastic it will either cure her completely or blow off the top of her head. I'll make her a magic medicine , a medicine no doctor in the world has ever made before.

  George looked at the kitchen clock. It said five past ten. There was nearly an hour left before Grandma's next dose was due at eleven.

  'Here we go, then!' cried George, jumping up from the table.

  'A magic medicine it shall be!'

  'So give me a bug and a jumping flea,

  Give me two snails and lizards three,

  And a slimy squiggler from the sea,

  And the poisonous sting of a bumblebee,

  And the juice from the fruit of the ju-jube tree,

  And the powdered bone of a wombat's knee.

  And one hundred other things as well

  Each with a rather nasty smell.

  I'll stir them up, I'll boil them long,

  A mixture tough, a mixture strong.

  And then, heigh-ho, and down it goes,

  A nice big spoonful (hold your nose)

  Just gulp it down and have no fear.

  "How do you like it, Granny dear?"

  Will she go pop? Will she explode?

  Will she go flying down the road?

  Will she go poof in a puff of smoke?

  Start fizzing like a can of Coke?

  Who knows? Not I. Let's wait and see.

  (I'm glad it's neither you nor me.)

  Oh Grandma, if you only knew

  What I have got in store for you!'

  George Begins to Make the Medicine

  George took an enormous saucepan out of the cupboard and placed it on the kitchen table.

  'George!' came the shrill voice from the next room. 'What are you doing?'

  'Nothing, Grandma,' he called out.

  'You needn't think I can't hear you just because you closed the door! You're rattling the saucepans!'

  'I'm just tidying the kitchen, Grandma.'

  Then there was silence.

  George had absolutely no doubts whatsoever about how he was going to make his famous medicine. He wasn't going to fool about wondering whether to put in a little bit of this or a little bit of that. Quite simply, he was going to put in EVERYTHING he could find. There would be no messing about, no hesitating, no wondering whether a particular thing would knock the old girl sideways or not. The rule would be this: whatever he saw, if it was runny or powdery or gooey, in it went.

  Nobody had ever made a medicine like that before. If it didn't actually cure Grandma, then it would anyway cause some exciting results. It would be worth watching.

  George decided to work his way round the various rooms one at a time and see what they had to offer.

  He would go first to the bathroom. There are always lots of funny things in a bathroom. So upstairs he went, carrying the enormous two-handled saucepan before him.

  In the bathroom, he gazed longingly at the famous and dreaded medicine cupboard. But he didn't go near it. It was the only thing in the entire house he was forbidden to touch. He had made solemn promises to his parents about this and he wasn't going to break them. There were things in there, they had told him, that could actually kill a person, and although he was out to give Grandma a pretty fiery mouthful, he didn't really want a dead body on his hands. George put the saucepan on the floor and went to work.

  Number one was a bottle labelled GOLDEN GLOSS HAIR SHAMPOO. He emptied it into the pan. 'That ought to wash her tummy nice and clean,' he said.

  He took a full tube of TOOTHPASTE and squeezed out the whole lot of it in one long worm. 'Maybe that will brighten up those horrid brown teeth of hers,' he said.

  There was an aerosol can of SUPERFOAM SHAVING SOAP belonging to his father. George loved playing with aerosols. He pressed the button and kept his finger on it until there was nothing left. A wonderful mountain of white foam built up in the giant saucepan.

  With his fingers, he scooped out the contents of a jar of VITAMIN ENRICHED FACE CREAM.

  In went a small bottle of scarlet NAIL VARNISH. 'If the toothpaste doesn't clean her teeth,' George said, 'then this will paint them as red as roses.'

  He found another jar of creamy stuff labelled HAIR REMOVER. SMEAR IT ON YOUR LEGS, it said, AND ALLOW TO REMAIN FOR FIVE MINUTES. George tipped it all into the saucepan.

  There was
a bottle with yellow stuff inside it called DISHWORTH'S FAMOUS DANDRUFF CURE. In it went.

  There was something called BRILLIDENT FOR CLEANING FALSE TEETH. It was a white powder. In that went, too.

  He found another aerosol can, NEVERMORE PONKING DEODORANT SPRAY, GUARANTEED, it said, TO KEEP AWAY UNPLEASANT BODY SMELLS FOR A WHOLE DAY. 'She could use plenty of that,' George said as he sprayed the entire canful into the saucepan.

  LIQUID PARAFFIN, the next one was called. It was a big bottle. He hadn't the faintest idea what it did to you, but he poured it in anyway.

  That, he thought, looking around him, was about all from the bathroom.

  On his mother's dressing-table in the bedroom, George found yet another lovely aerosol can. It was called HELGA'S HAIRSET. HOLD TWELVE INCHES AWAY FROM THE HAIR AND SPRAY LIGHTLY. He squirted the whole lot into the saucepan. He did enjoy squirting these aerosols.

  There was a bottle of perfume called FLOWERS OF TURNIPS. It smelled of old cheese. In it went.

  And in, too, went a large round box of POWDER. It was called PINK PLASTER. There was a powder-puff on top and he threw that in as well for luck.

  He found a couple of LIPSTICKS. He pulled the greasy red things out of their little cases and added them to the mixture.

  The bedroom had nothing more to offer, so George carried the enormous saucepan downstairs again and trotted into the laundry-room where the shelves were full of all kinds of household items.

  The first one he took down was a large box of SUPERWHITE FOR AUTOMATIC WASHING-MACHINES. DIRT, it said, WILL DISAPPEAR LIKE MAGIC. George didn't know whether Grandma was automatic or not, but she was certainly a dirty old woman. 'So she'd better have it all,' he said, tipping in the whole boxful.

  Then there was a big tin of WAXWELL FLOOR POLISH. IT REMOVES FILTH AND FOUL MESSES FROM YOUR FLOOR AND LEAVES EVERYTHING SHINY BRIGHT, it said.

  George scooped the orange-coloured waxy stuff out of the tin and plonked it into the pan.

  There was a round cardboard carton labelled FLEA POWDER FOR DOGS. KEEP WELL AWAY FROM THE DOG'S FOOD, it said, BECAUSE THIS POWDER, IF EATEN, WILL MAKE THE DOG EXPLODE. 'Good,' said George, pouring it all into the saucepan.