Roald Dahl Whoppsy-Whiffling Joke Book Read online

  CAUTION, READER!

  The jokes in this book are extremely funny, silly, and at times outrageous. This may result in snickering, snorting, and giggling uncontrollably. You might laugh so hard your stomach hurts. You might laugh so hard you start to cry. It’s entirely possibly you’ll laugh SO HARD you fall off your chair. We do not recommend reading this book during quiet time or when your younger brother or sister is taking a nap. Please read responsibly.

  Puffin Books by ROALD DAHL

  The BFG

  Boy: Tales of Childhood

  Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

  Charlie and the Great Glass Elevator

  Danny the Champion of the World

  Dirty Beasts

  The Enormous Crocodile

  Esio Trot

  Fantastic Mr. Fox

  George’s Marvelous Medicine

  The Giraffe and the Pelly and Me

  Going Solo

  James and the Giant Peach

  The Magic Finger

  Matilda

  The Minpins

  The Missing Golden Ticket and Other Splendiferous Secrets

  Revolting Rhymes

  The Twits

  The Vicar of Nibbleswicke

  The Witches

  The Wonderful Story of Henry Sugar and Six More

  PUFFIN BOOKS

  An imprint of Penguin Random House LLC

  375 Hudson Street

  New York, New York 10014

  First published by Puffin Books UK, 2016

  Published by Puffin Books, an imprint of Penguin Random House LLC, 2018

  Text copyright © 2016 by Roald Dahl Nominee Ltd, with contributions by

  Ruth Reyes and Caitlin Baker

  Illustrations copyright © 2016 by Quentin Blake

  Penguin supports copyright. Copyright fuels creativity, encourages diverse voices, promotes free speech, and creates a vibrant culture. Thank you for buying an authorized edition of this book and for complying with copyright laws by not reproducing, scanning, or distributing any part of it in any form without permission. You are supporting writers and allowing Penguin to continue to publish books

  for every reader.

  Puffin Books Ebook ISBN 9780451479310

  Version_1

  Contents

  Caution, Reader!

  Also by Roald Dahl

  Title Page

  Copyright

  Miss Trunchbull’s Banned School Jokes

  Bruce Bogtrotter’s Belly Laughs

  The Roly-Poly Bird’s Jokey-Wokeys

  George’s Marvelous Mum Jokes

  Peachy Puns from Around the World!

  The Pelly’s Fishy Funnies

  The BFG’s Giant Jokes

  Funny Bugs

  The Enormous Croco-Smile!

  Trunky’s Jumbo Jokes

  Mr. Fox’s Farmyard Funnies

  Muggle-Wump’s Monkey Business

  Dirty Beasts and Animal Antics

  Squirrel Nuts

  Jokes for Twits!

  The Most Monstrous Gags Ever!

  Which One’s Witch?

  Formula 86 Funnies

  Wonka Wisecracks

  More Jokes for Twits!

  Matilda Magic!

  And Finally . . . The Whizzpoppers!

  About the Author and Illustrator

  Miss Trunchbull’s BANNED school jokes

  Tell these to your friends and you’ll be thrown straight in the chokey!

  Why did the teacher turn the lights on?

  Because the class was so dim!

  Who invented fractions?

  Henry the Eighth!

  Why was Miss Trunchbull worried?

  Because there were too many rulers in school!

  MISS TRUNCHBULL: What do we call the outer part of a tree?

  BRUCE BOGTROTTER: Don’t know, Miss!

  MISS TRUNCHBULL: Bark, silly! Bark!

  BRUCE BOGTROTTER: Woof, woof!

  Why is six afraid of seven?

  Because seven eight nine!

  “If you get on the wrong side of Miss Trunchbull, she can liquidize you like a carrot in a BLENDER.”

  TEACHER: Make up a sentence using the word “lettuce.”

  PUPILS: Let us out of school early!

  TEACHER: What are you reading?

  PUPIL: I dunno!

  TEACHER: But you’re reading aloud!

  PUPIL: Yeah, but I’m not listening!

  If two’s company and three’s a crowd, what are four and five?

  Nine!

  How did you find school today?

  Well, I just got off the bus and there it was!

  TEACHER: You aren’t paying attention. Are you having trouble hearing?

  PUPIL: No, sir. I’m having trouble listening!

  How do bees get to school?

  By school buzz!

  What is a snake’s favorite subject?

  Hiss-tory!

  What is an archaeologist?

  Someone whose career is in ruins!

  Why did the nose hate school?

  It was tired of being picked on!

  What do elves learn in school?

  The elf-abet!

  What happens when you take the school bus home?

  The police make you bring it back!

  What’s the best way to get straight As?

  Use a ruler!

  What grade did the pirate get at school?

  High Cs!

  What’s a witch’s favorite subject?

  Spell-ing!

  Which animal cheats in school?

  A cheetah!

  What is a pirate’s favorite subject?

  Arrrrrt!

  LITTLE BOY: I can’t go to school today, I have a tummy ache.

  MOM: Where does it hurt?

  LITTLE BOY: In school!

  How do you make the number one disappear?

  Add the letter “g” and it’s “gone”!

  Why did the teacher write on the window?

  To make her lesson very clear!

  Why was the broom late for school?

  He over-swept!

  Why didn’t the skeleton go to the school dance?

  He had no body to take!

  Bruce Bogtrotter’s BELLY LAUGHS

  Are you ready for some tasty one-liners?

  What’s that fly doing in my gravy?

  Looks like breaststroke!

  What tables don’t you have to learn?

  Dinner tables!

  What kind of nuts always seem to have a cold?

  Cashews!

  What is a pretzel’s favorite dance?

  The twist!

  CUSTOMER: Waiter, this food tastes funny.

  WAITER: Then why aren’t you laughing?

  What are twins’ favorite fruit?

  Pears!

  Suddenly the boy let out a gigantic BELCH which rolled around the Assembly Hall like thunder. Many of the audience began to GIGGLE. “Silence!” shouted the Trunchbull.

  What do computer operators eat for lunch?

  Chips!

  What w
ould happen if pigs could fly?

  The price of bacon would go up.

  Waiter, will my pizza be long?

  No, sir, it will be round!

  What happens if you make a walnut laugh?

  It cracks up!

  Why did the banana go to the doctor?

  Because it wasn’t peeling well!

  What do you call a peanut in a spacesuit?

  An astro-nut!

  What is green and sings?

  Elvis Parsley!

  What cheese is made backward?

  Edam.

  What did the nacho say to the burrito?

  Can we taco ’bout it?

  Why did the baker stop making doughnuts?

  She was bored of the hole business!

  What type of cheese doesn’t belong to you?

  Nacho cheese!

  Knock knock!

  Who’s there?

  Justin.

  Justin who?

  Justin time for lunch!

  CUSTOMER: Is there spaghetti on the menu today?

  WAITER: No, I cleaned it off!

  What did the Italian chef give his waiters?

  A pizza his mind!

  What do polar bears have for dinner?

  Iceberg-ers!

  Why couldn’t the teddy bear eat his lunch?

  Because he was stuffed!

  Why did the tomato blush?

  Because it saw the salad dressing!

  What did the daddy tomato say to the baby tomato?

  Hurry and ketchup!

  What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple?

  Finding half a worm in your apple!

  What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?

  A carrot!

  How do eggs leave in an emergency?

  Through the fire eggs-it!

  What do aliens eat off in space?

  Flying saucers!

  What vegetable should never be served on a boat?

  Leeks!

  The Roly-Poly Bird’s JOKEY-WOKEYS

  They’ll make you squawk!

  What is the strongest bird?

  A crane!

  Why does a flamingo lift one leg?

  Because if it lifted both legs it would fall over!

  Why do birds fly south for the winter?

  Because it’s too far to walk!

  What is black, white, and red all over?

  A sunburnt penguin!

  What do you call a seagull flying over land?

  A land-gull!

  What do doctors give sick birds?

  Tweetment!

  Did you hear the joke about the broken egg?

  It’ll crack you up!

  What’s more clever than a talking bird?

  A spelling bee!

  What birds can you find in Portugal?

  Portu-geese!

  What is black and white, and black and white, and black and white, and black and white, and black and white?

  A penguin rolling down a hill!

  Why do penguins carry fish in their beaks?

  They don’t have any pockets!

  “Please don’t mention Bird Pie again,” said the Roly-Poly Bird. “It gives me the SHUDDERS.”

  SON: Mom, can I have a canary for Christmas?

  MOM: No, we’ll have turkey like we always do!

  What do you call a sick bird of prey?

  Ill-eagle!

  What do birds watch on TV?

  Duck-umentaries!

  Where do tough chickens come from?

  Hard-boiled eggs!

  What do you call a bird in the winter?

  Brrrrrrr-d!

  What do ducks have with cheese?

  Quackers!

  What happened when the turkey got in a fight?

  He got the stuffing knocked out of him!

  Where would you find a turkey with no legs?

  Precisely where you left him!

  What’s the most musical part of a chicken?

  The drumstick!

  George’s MARVELOUS MUM JOKES

  (AND DAD JOKES! AND LITTLE BROTHER JOKES! AND GRANDMA JOKES!)

  Fun for all the family!

  What’s it called when you have your grandmother on speed dial?

  Insta-gran!

  What does “maximum” mean?

  A very big mother!

  What does “minimum” mean?

  A very small mother!

  DAD: Why are you sitting on the cat?

  DAUGHTER: The teacher told us to write an essay on our favorite animal!

  What did the baby corn call its father?

  Pop-corn!

  What did the digital watch say to the grandfather clock?

  “Look, no hands!”

  Why was Dad running around and around his bed?

  He wanted to catch up on his sleep!

  What bug is related to you?

  Your aunt!

  FIREMAN:

  Who knows what a smoke detector is for?

  LITTLE BOY:

  To tell Mom when dinner is ready!

  What BIG bug is related to you?

  Your great aunt!

  GEORGE: Mom, why is some of your hair gray?

  MOM: Every time you do something that annoys me or Dad, one of our hairs turns gray!

  GEORGE: So . . . why is all of Grandma’s hair gray?

  FRED:

  My grammar’s terrible!

  GEORGE:

  What’s wrong with her?

  My gran used to run an origami business, but sadly it folded!

  Why doesn’t Amy like her mom’s brother?

  He’s a bit uncool!

  Did you hear about the man who can jump from tree to tree?

  He’s a monkey’s uncle!

  GEORGE: Where are my sunglasses?

  DAD: I’m not sure. Where are my dadglasses?

  Why did the boy put a toad in his sister’s bed?

  Because he couldn’t find a spider!

  What did Frankenstein say to his grandson when he noticed he’d gotten taller?

  “You gruesome boy!”

  What do cannibals eat for dessert?

  Chocolate-covered aunts!

  “Mother!” wailed Mrs. Kranky. “You’ve just drunk fifty doses of GEORGE’S MARVELOUS MEDICINE Number Four and look what one tiny spoonful did to that little old brown hen!” But Grandma didn’t even hear her. Great clouds of steam were already pouring out of her mouth and she was beginning to whistle.

  Why was the mother firefly unhappy?

  Her children weren’t that bright!

  GIRL: Dad, I want a cat for Christmas!

  DAD: You’ve got to be kitten me!

  PEACHY PUNS from Around the WORLD!

  These are James’s favorites . . .

  Did you hear about the exhausted kangaroo?

  She was out of bounds!

  What’s the difference between an American student and a UK student?