The BFG Read online

  The BFG thought long and hard.

  'Ho-ho!' he cried at last. 'Yes, I is remembering!'

  'Where?' asked the Queen.

  'One was off to Baghdad,' the BFG said. 'As they is galloping past my cave, Fleshlumpeater is waving his arms and shouting at me, "I is off to Baghdad and I is going to Baghdad and mum and every one of their ten children as well!" '

  Once more, the Queen lifted the receiver. 'Get me the Lord Mayor of Baghdad,' she said. 'If they don't have a Lord Mayor, get me the next best thing.'

  In five seconds, a voice was on the line. 'Here is the Sultan of Baghdad speaking,' the voice said.

  'Listen, Sultan,' the Queen said. 'Did anything unpleasant happen in your city three nights ago?'

  'Every night unpleasant things are happening in Baghdad,' the Sultan said. 'We are chopping off people's heads like you are chopping parsley.'

  'I've never chopped parsley in my life,' the Queen said. 'I want to know if anyone has disappeared recently in Baghdad?'

  'Only my uncle, Caliph Haroun al Rashid,' the Sultan said. 'He disappeared from his bed three nights ago together with his wife and ten children.'

  'There you is!' cried the BFG, whose wonderful ears enabled him to hear what the Sultan was saying to the Queen on the telephone. 'Fleshlumpeater did that one! He went off to Baghdad to bag dad and mum and all the little kiddles!'

  The Queen replaced the receiver. 'That proves it,' she said, looking up at the BFG. 'Your story is apparently quite true. Summon the Head of the Army and the Head of the Air Force immediately!'

  The Plan

  The Head of the Army and the Head of the Air Force stood at attention beside the Queen's breakfast table. Sophie was still in her seat and the BFG was still high up on his crazy perch.

  It took the Queen only five minutes to explain the situation to the military men.

  'I knew there was something like this going on, Your Majesty' the Head of the Army said. 'For the last ten years we have been getting reports from nearly every country in the world about people disappearing mysteriously in the night. We had one only the other day from Panama...'

  'For the hatty taste!' cried the BFG.

  'And one from Wellington, in New Zealand,' said the Head of the Army.

  'For the booty flavour!' cried the BFG.

  'What is he talking about?' said the Head of the Air Force.

  'Work it out for yourself,' the Queen said. 'What time is it? Ten a.m. In eight hours those nine bloodthirsty brutes will be galloping off to gobble up another couple of dozen unfortunate wretches. They have to be stopped. We must act fast.'

  'We'll bomb the blighters!' shouted the Head of the Air Force.

  'We'll mow them down with machine-guns!' cried the Head of the Army.

  'I do not approve of murder,' the Queen said.

  'But they are murderers themselves!' cried the Head of the Army.

  'That is no reason why we should follow their example,' the Queen said. 'Two wrongs don't make a right.'

  'And two rights don't make a left!' cried the BFG.

  'We must bring them back alive,' the Queen said.

  'How?' the two military men said together. 'They are all fifty feet high. They'd knock us down like ninepins!'

  'Wait!' cried the BFG. 'Hold your horseflies! Keep your skirts on! I think I has the answer to the maiden's hair!'

  'Let him speak,' the Queen said.

  'Every afternoon,' the BFG said, 'all these giants is in the Land of Noddy.'

  'I can't understand a word this feller says,' the Head of the Army snapped. 'Why doesn't he speak clearly?'

  'He means the Land of Nod,' Sophie said. 'It's pretty obvious.'

  'Exunckly!' cried the BFG. 'Every afternoon all these nine giants is lying on the ground snoozling away in a very deep sleep. They is always resting like that before they is galloping off to guzzle another helping of human beans.'

  'Go on,' they said. 'So what?'

  'So what you soldiers has to do is to creep up to the giants while they is still in the Land of Noddy and tie their arms and legs with mighty ropes and whunking chains.'

  'Brilliant,' the Queen said.

  'That's all very well,' said the Head of the Army. 'But how do we get the brutes back here? We can't load fifty-foot giants on to trucks! Shoot 'em on the spot, that's what I say!'

  The BFG looked down from his lofty perch and said, this time to the Head of the Air Force, 'You is having bellypoppers, is you not?'

  'Is he being rude?' the Head of the Air Force said.

  'He means helicopters,' Sophie told him.

  'Then why doesn't he say so? Of course we have helicopters.'

  'Whoppsy big bellypoppers?' asked the BFG.

  'Very big ones,' the Head of the Air Force said proudly. 'But no helicopter is big enough to get a giant like that inside it.'

  'You do not put him inside,' the BFG said. 'You sling him underneath the belly of your bellypopper and carry him like a porteedo.'

  'Like a what?' said the Head of the Air Force.

  'Like a torpedo,' Sophie said.

  'Gould you do that, Air Marshal?' the Queen asked.

  'Well, I suppose we could,' the Head of the Air Force admitted grudgingly.

  'Then get cracking!' the Queen said. 'You'll need nine helicopters, one for each giant.'

  'Where is this place?' the Air Force man said to the BFG. 'I presume you can pinpoint it on the map?'

  'Pinpoint?' said the BFG. 'Map? I is never hearing these words before. Is this Air Force bean talking slushbungle?'

  The Air Marshal's face turned the colour of a ripe plum. He was not used to being told he was talking slushbungle. The Queen, with her usual admirable tact and good sense, came to the rescue. 'BFG,' she said, 'can you tell us more or less where this Giant Country is?'

  'No, Majester,' the BFG said. 'Not on my nelly.'

  'Then we're jiggered!' cried the Army General.

  'This is ridiculous!' cried the Air Marshal.

  'You must not be giving up so easy' the BFG said calmly. 'The first titchy bobsticle you meet and you begin shouting you is biffsquiggled.'

  The Army General was no more used to being insulted than the Air Marshal. His face began to swell with fury and his cheeks blew out until they looked like two huge ripe tomatoes. 'Your Majesty!' he cried. 'We are dealing with a lunatic! I want nothing more to do with this ridiculous operation!'

  The Queen, who was used to the tantrums of her senior officials, ignored him completely. 'BFG,' she said, 'would you please tell these rather dim-witted characters exactly what to do.'

  'A pleasure, Majester,' said the BFG. 'Now listen to me carefully, you two bootbogglers.'

  The military men began to twitch, but they stayed put.

  'I is not having the foggiest idea where Giant Country is in the world,' the BFG said, 'but I is always able to gallop there. I is galloping forthwards and backwards from Giant Country every night to blow my dreams into little chiddlers' bedrooms. I is knowing the way very well. So all you is having to do is this. Put your nine big bellyhoppers up in the air and let them follow me as I is galloping along.'

  'How long will the journey take?' the Queen asked.

  'If we is leaving now,' the BFG said, 'we will be arriving just as the giants is having their afternoon snozzle.'

  'Splendid,' said the Queen. Then turning to the two military men, she said, 'Prepare to leave immediately.'

  The Head of the Army, who was feeling pretty miffed by the whole business, said, 'That's all very well, Your Majesty, but what are we going to do with the blighters once we've got them back?'

  'Don't you worry about that,' the Queen told him. 'We'll be ready for them. Hurry up, now! Off you go!'

  'If it pleases Your Majesty,' Sophie said, 'I should like to ride with the BFG, to keep him company.'

  'Where will you sit?' asked the Queen.

  'In his ear,' Sophie said. 'Show them, BFG.'

  The BFG got down from his high chair. He picked Sophie up in
his fingers. He swivelled his huge right ear until it was parallel with the ground, then he placed Sophie gently inside it.

  The Heads of the Army and the Air Force stood there goggling. The Queen smiled. 'You really are rather a wonderful giant,' she said.

  'Majester,' the BFG said, 'I is wishing to ask a very special thing from you.'

  'What is it?' the Queen said.

  'Could I please bring back here in the bellypoppers all my collection of dreams? They is taking me years and years to collect and I is not wanting to lose them.'

  'Why of course,' the Queen said. 'I wish you a safe journey.'

  Capture!

  The BFG had made thousands of journeys to and from Giant Country over the years, but he had never in his life made one quite like this, with nine huge helicopters roaring along just over his head. He had never before travelled in broad daylight either. He hadn't dared to. But this was different. Now he was doing it for the Queen of England herself and he was frightened of nobody.

  As he galloped across the British Isles with the helicopters thundering above him, people stood and gaped and wondered what on earth was going on. They had never seen the likes of it before. And they never would again.

  Every now and then, the pilots of the helicopters would catch a glimpse of a small girl wearing glasses crouching in the giant's right ear and waving to them. They always waved back. The pilots marvelled at the giant's speed and at the way he leaped across wide rivers and over huge houses.

  But they hadn't seen anything yet.

  'Be careful to hang on tight!' the BFG said. 'We is going fast as a fizzlecrump!' The BFG changed into his famous top gear and all at once he began to fly forward as though there were springs in his legs and rockets in his toes. He went skimming over the earth like some magical hop-skip-and-jumper with his feet hardly ever touching the ground. As usual, Sophie had to crouch low in the crevice of his ear to save herself from being swept clean away.

  The nine pilots in their helicopters suddenly realized they were being left behind. The giant was streaking ahead. They opened their throttles to full speed, and even then they were only just able to keep up.

  In the leading machine, the Head of the Air Force was sitting beside the pilot. He had a world atlas on his knees and he kept staring first at the atlas, then at the ground below, trying to figure out where they were going. Frantically he turned the pages of the atlas. 'Where the devil are we going?' he cried.

  'I haven't the foggiest idea,' the pilot answered. 'The Queen's orders were to follow the giant and that's exactly what I'm doing.'

  The pilot was a young Air Force officer with a bushy moustache. He was very proud of his moustache. He was also quite fearless and he loved adventure. He thought this was a super adventure. 'It's fun going to new places,' he said.

  'New places!' shouted the Head of the Air Force. 'What the blazes d'you mean new places?'

  'This place we're flying over now isn't in the atlas, is it?' the pilot said, grinning.

  'You're darn right it isn't in the atlas!' cried the Head of the Air Force. 'We've flown clear off the last page!'

  'I expect that old giant knows where he's going,' the young pilot said.

  'He's leading us to disaster!' cried the Head of the Air Force. He was shaking with fear. In the seat behind him sat the Head of the Army, who was even more terrified.

  'You don't mean to tell me we've gone right out of the atlas?' he cried, leaning forward to look.

  'That's exactly what I am telling you!' cried the Air Force man. 'Look for yourself. Here's the very last map in the whole flaming atlas! We went off that over an hour ago!' He turned the page. As in all atlases, there were two completely blank pages at the very end. 'So now we must be somewhere here,' he said, putting a finger on one of the blank pages.

  'Where's here?' cried the Head of the Army.

  The young pilot was still grinning broadly. He said to them, 'That's why they always put two blank pages at the back of the atlas. They're for new countries. You're meant to fill them in yourself.'

  The Head of the Air Force glanced down at the ground below. 'Just look at this godforsaken desert!' he cried. 'All the trees are dead and all the rocks are blue!'

  'The giant has stopped,' the young pilot said. 'He's waving us down.'

  The pilots throttled back the engines and all nine helicopters landed safely on the great yellow wasteland. Then each of them lowered a ramp from its belly. Nine jeeps, one from each helicopter, were driven down the ramps. Each jeep contained six soldiers and a vast quantity of thick rope and heavy chains.

  'I don't see any giants,' the Head of the Army said.

  'The giants is all just out of sight over there,' the BFG told him. 'But if you is taking these sloshbuckling noisy bellypoppers any closer, all the giants is waking up at once and then pop goes the weasel.'

  'So you want us to proceed by jeep?' the Head of the Army said.

  'Yes,' the BFG said. 'But you must all be very very hushy quiet. No roaring of motors. No shouting. No mucking about. No piggery-jokery.'

  The BFG, with Sophie still in his ear, trotted forward and the jeeps followed close behind.

  Suddenly the most dreadful rumbling noise was heard by everyone. The Head of the Army went pea-green in the face. 'Those are guns!' he cried. 'There is a battle raging somewhere up ahead of us! Turn back, the lot of you! Let's get out of here!'

  'Pigspiffle!' the BFG said. 'Those noises is not guns.'

  'Of course they're guns!' shouted the Head of the Army. 'I am a military man and I know a gun when I hear one! Turn back!'

  'Those is just the giants snortling in their sleep,' the BFG said. 'I is a giant myself and I know a giant's snortle when I is hearing one.'

  'Are you quite sure?' the Army man said anxiously.

  'Positive,' the BFG said.

  'Proceed cautiously' the Army man ordered.

  They all moved on.

  Then they saw them!

  Even at a distance, they were enough to scare the daylights out of the soldiers. But when they got close and saw what the giants really looked like, they began to sweat with fear. Nine fearsome, ugly, half-naked, fifty-feet-long brutes lay sprawled over the ground in various grotesque attitudes of sleep, and the sound of their snoring was indeed like gunfire in a battle.

  The BFG raised a hand. The jeeps all stopped. The soldiers got out.

  'What happens if one of them wakes up?' whispered the Head of the Army, his knees knocking together from fear.

  'If any one of them is waking up, he will gobble you down before you can say knack jife,' the BFG answered, grinning hugely. 'Me is the only one what won't be gobbled up because giants is never eating giants. Me and Sophie is the only safe ones because I is hiding her if that happens.'

  The Head of the Army took several paces to the rear. So did the Head of the Air Force. They climbed rather quickly back into their jeep, ready to make a fast getaway if necessary. 'Go forward, men!' the Head of the Army said. 'Go forward and do your duty bravely!'

  The soldiers crept forward with their ropes and chains. All of them were trembling mightily. None dared speak a word.

  The BFG, with Sophie now sitting on the palm of his hand, stood near by watching the operation.

  To give the soldiers their due, they were extremely courageous. There were six well-trained efficient men working on each giant and within ten minutes eight out of the nine giants had been trussed up like chickens and were still snoring contentedly. The ninth, who happened to be the Fleshlumpeater, was causing trouble for the soldiers because he was lying with his right arm tucked underneath his enormous body. It was impossible to tie his wrists and arms together without first getting that arm out from underneath him.

  Very very cautiously, the six soldiers who were working on the Fleshlumpeater began to pull at the huge arm, trying to release it. The Fleshlumpeater opened his tiny piggy black eyes.

  'Which of you foulpesters is wiggling my arm?' he bellowed. 'Is that you, you rotsome Manh
ugger?'

  Suddenly he saw the soldiers. In a flash, he was sitting up. He looked around him. He saw more soldiers. With a roar, he leaped to his feet. The soldiers, petrified with fear, froze where they were. They had no weapons with them. The Head of the Army put his jeep into reverse.

  'Human beans!' the Fleshlumpeater yelled. 'What is all you flushbunking rotsome half-baked beans doing in our country?' He made a grab at a soldier and swept him up in his hand.

  'I is having early suppers today!' he shouted, holding the poor squirming soldier at arm's length and roaring with laughter.

  Sophie, standing on the palm of the BFG's hand, was watching horrorstruck. 'Do something!' she cried. 'Quick, before he eats him!'

  'Put that human bean down!' the BFG shouted.

  The Fleshlumpeater turned and stared at the BFG. 'What is you doing here with all these grotty twiglets!' he bellowed. 'You is making me very suspichy!'

  The BFG made a rush at the Fleshlumpeater, but the colossal fifty-four-foot-high giant simply knocked him over with a flick of his free arm. At the same time, Sophie fell off the BFG's palm on to the ground. Her mind was racing. She must do something! She must! She must! She remembered the sapphire brooch the Queen had pinned on to her chest. Quickly, she undid it.

  'I is guzzling you nice and slow!' the Fleshlumpeater was saying to the soldier in his hand. 'Then I is guzzling ten or twenty more of you midgy little maggots down there! You is not getting away from me because I is galloping fifty times faster than you!'

  Sophie ran up behind the Fleshlumpeater. She was holding the brooch between her fingers. When she was right up close to the great naked hairy legs, she rammed the three-inch-long pin of the brooch as hard as she could into the Fleshlumpeater's right ankle. It went deep into the flesh and stayed there.

  The giant gave a roar of pain and jumped high in the air. He dropped the soldier and made a grab for his ankle.

  The BFG, knowing what a coward the Fleshlumpeater was, saw his chance. 'You is bitten by a snake!' he shouted. 'I seed it biting you! It was a frightsome poisnowse viper! It was a dreadly dungerous vindscreen viper!'