The Best of Roald Dahl Read online

'She is. Someone calculated that not even counting her outside business, she makes the equivalent of about fifteen hundred pounds a week. That's, let me see, that's between five and six thousand pounds a month. Sixty thousand pounds a year.'

  Stuffy came out of his dream. 'Jesus,' he said, 'Jesus Christ. The filthy old whore.'

  'The lousy old bitch,' said William.

  They were coming into a more civilized section of the town, but still there were no gharries.

  The Stag said, 'Did you hear about Mary's House?'

  'What's Mary's House?' said William.

  'It's a place in Alexandria. Mary is the Rosette of Alex.'

  'Lousy old bitch,' said William.

  'No,' Stag said. 'They say she's a good woman. But anyway, Mary's House was hit by a bomb last week. The navy was in port at the time and the place was full of sailors, nautic types.'

  'Killed?'

  'Lots of them killed. And d'you know what happened? They posted them as killed in action.'

  'The Admiral is a gentleman,' said Stuffy.

  'Magnificent,' said William.

  Then they saw a gharri and hailed it.

  Stuffy said, 'We don't know the address.'

  'He'll know it,' said Stag. 'Madame Rosette,' he said to the driver.

  The driver grinned and nodded. Then William said, 'I'm going to drive. Give me the reins, driver, and sit up here beside me and tell me where to go.'

  The driver protested vigorously, but when William gave him ten piastres, he gave him the reins. William sat high up on the driver's seat with the driver beside him. The Stag and Stuffy got in the back of the carriage.

  'Take off,' said Stuffy. William took off. The horses began to gallop.

  'No good,' shrieked the driver. 'No good. Stop.'

  'Which way Rosette?' shouted William.

  'Stop,' shrieked the driver.

  William was happy. 'Rosette,' he shouted. 'Which way?'

  The driver made a decision. He decided that the only way to stop this madman was to get him to his destination. 'This way,' he shrieked. 'Left.' William pulled hard on the left rein and the horses swerved round the corner. The gharri took it on one wheel.

  'Too much bank,' shouted Stuffy from the back seat.

  'Which way now?' shouted William.

  'Left,' shrieked the driver. They took the next street to the left, then they took one to the right, two more to the left, then one to the right again and suddenly the driver yelled, 'Here pleess, here Rosette. Stop.'

  William pulled hard on the reins and gradually the horses raised their heads with the pulling and slowed down to a trot.

  'Where?' said William.

  'Here,' said the driver. 'Pleess.' He pointed to a house twenty yards ahead. William brought the horses to a stop right in front of it.

  'Nice work, William,' said Stuffy.

  'Jesus,' said the Stag. 'That was quick.'

  'Marvellous,' said William. 'Wasn't it?' He was very happy.

  The driver was sweating through his shirt and he was too frightened to be angry.

  William said, 'How much?'

  'Pleess, twenty piastres.'

  William gave him forty and said, 'Thank you very much. Fine horses.' The little man took the money, jumped up on to the gharri and drove off. He was in a hurry to get away.

  They were in another of those narrow, dark streets, but the houses, what they could see of them, looked huge and prosperous. The one which the driver had said was Rosette's was wide and thick and three storeys high, built of grey concrete, and it had a large thick front door which stood wide open. As they went in, the Stag said, 'Now leave this to me. I've got a plan.'

  Inside there was a cold grey dusty stone hall, lit by a bare electric light bulb in the ceiling, and there was a man standing in the hall. He was a mountain of a man, a huge Egyptian with a flat face and two cauliflower ears. In his wrestling days he had probably been billed as Abdul the Killer or The Poisonous Pasha, but now he wore a dirty white cotton suit.

  The Stag said, 'Good evening. Is Madame Rosette here?'

  Abdul looked hard at the three pilots, hesitated, then said, 'Madame Rosette top floor.'

  'Thank you,' said Stag. 'Thank you very much.' Stuffy noticed that the Stag was being polite. There was always trouble for somebody when he was like that. Back in the squadron, when he was leading a flight, when they sighted the enemy and when there was going to be a battle, the Stag never gave an order without saying 'Please' and he never received a message without saying 'Thank you.' He was saying 'Thank you' now to Abdul.

  They went up the bare stone steps which had iron railings. They went past the first landing and the second landing, and the place was as bare as a cave. At the top of the third flight of steps, there was no landing; it was walled off, and the stairs ran up to a door. The Stag pressed the bell. They waited a while, then a little panel in the door slid back and a pair of small black eyes peeked through. A woman's voice said, 'What you boys want?' Both the Stag and Stuffy recognized the voice from the telephone. The Stag said, 'We would like to see Madame Rosette.' He pronounced the Madame in the French way because he was being polite.

  'You officers? Only officers here,' said the voice. She had a voice like a broken board.

  'Yes,' said Stag. 'We are officers.'

  'You don't look like officers. What kind of officers?'

  'R.A.F.'

  There was a pause. The Stag knew that she was considering. She had probably had trouble with pilots before, and he hoped only that she would not see William and the light that was dancing in his eyes; for William was still feeling the way he had felt when he drove the gharri. Suddenly the panel closed and the door opened.

  'All right, come in,' she said. She was too greedy, this woman, even to pick her customers carefully.

  They went in and there she was. Short, fat, greasy, with wisps of untidy black hair straggling over her forehead; a large, mud-coloured face, a large wide nose and a small fish mouth, with just the trace of a black moustache above the mouth. She had on a loose black satin dress.

  'Come into the office, boys,' she said, and started to waddle down the passage to the left. It was a long wide passage, about fifty yards long and four or five yards wide. It ran through the middle of the house, parallel with the street, and as you came in from the stairs, you had to turn left along it. All the way down there were doors, about eight or ten of them on each side. If you turned right as you came in from the stairs, you ran into the end of the passage, but there was one door there too, and as the three of them walked in, they heard a babble of female voices from behind that door. The Stag noted that it was the girls' dressing room.

  'This way, boys,' said Rosette. She turned left and slopped down the passage, away from the door with the voices. The three followed her. Stag first, then Stuffy, then William, down the passage which had a red carpet on the floor and huge pink lampshades hanging from the ceiling. They got about halfway down the passage when there was a yell from the dressing room behind them. Rosette stopped and looked around.

  'You go on, boys,' she said, 'into the office, last door on the left. I won't be a minute.' She turned and went back towards the dressing-room door. They didn't go on. They stood and watched her, and just as she got to the door, it opened and a girl rushed out. From where they stood, they could see that her fair hair was all over her face and that she had on an untidy-looking green evening dress. She saw Rosette in front of her and she stopped. They heard Rosette say something, something angry and quick spoken, and they heard the girl shout something back at her. They saw Rosette raise her right arm and they saw her hit the girl smack on the side of the face with the palm of her hand. They saw her draw back her hand and hit her again in the same place. She hit her hard. The girl put her hands up to her face and began to cry. Rosette opened the door of the dressing room and pushed her back inside.

  'Jesus,' said the Stag. 'She's tough.' William said, 'So am I.' Stuffy didn't say anything.

  Rosette came back to t
hem and said, 'Come along, boys. Just a bit of trouble, that's all.' She led them to the end of the passage and in through the last door on the left. This was the office. It was a medium-sized room with two red plush sofas, two or three red plush armchairs and a thick red carpet on the floor. In one corner was a small desk, and Rosette sat herself behind it, facing the room.

  'Sit down, boys,' she said.

  The Stag took an armchair, Stuffy and William sat on a sofa.

  'Well,' she said, and her voice became sharp and urgent. 'Let's do business.'

  The Stag leaned forward in his chair. His short ginger hair looked somehow wrong against the bright red plush. 'Madame Rosette,' he said, 'it is a great pleasure to meet you. We have heard so much about you.' Stuffy looked at the Stag. He was being polite again. Rosette looked at him too, and her little black eyes were suspicious. 'Believe me,' the Stag went on, 'we've really been looking forward to this for quite a time now.'

  His voice was so pleasant and he was so polite that Rosette took it.

  'That's nice of you boys,' she said. 'You'll always have a good time here. I see to that. Now - business.'

  William couldn't wait any longer. He said slowly, 'The Stag says that you're a great woman.'

  'Thanks, boys.'

  Stuffy said, 'The Stag says that you're a filthy old whore.'

  William said quickly, 'The Stag says that you're a lousy old bitch.'

  'And I know what I'm talking about,' said the Stag.

  Rosette jumped to her feet. 'What's this?' she shrieked, and her face was no longer the colour of mud; it was the colour of red clay. The men did not move. They did not smile or laugh; they sat quite still, leaning forward a little in their seats, watching her.

  Rosette had had trouble before, plenty of it, and she knew how to deal with it. But this was different. They didn't seem drunk, it wasn't about money and it wasn't about one of her girls. It was about herself and she didn't like it.

  'Get out,' she yelled. 'Get out unless you want trouble.' But they did not move.

  For a moment she paused, then she stepped quickly from behind her desk and made for the door. But the Stag was there first and when she went for him, Stuffy and William each caught one of her arms from behind.

  'We'll lock her in,' said the Stag. 'Let's get out.'

  Then she really started yelling and the words which she used cannot be written down on paper, for they were terrible words. They poured out of her small fish mouth in one long unbroken high-pitched stream, and little bits of spit and saliva came out with them. Stuffy and William pulled her back by the arms towards one of the big chairs and she fought and yelled like a large fat pig being dragged to the slaughter. They got her in front of the chair and gave her a quick push so that she fell backwards into it. Stuffy nipped across to her desk, bent down quickly and jerked the telephone cord from its connection. The Stag had the door open and all three of them were out of the room before Rosette had time to get up. The Stag had taken the key from the inside of the door, and now he locked it. The three of them stood outside in the passage.

  'Jesus,' said the Stag. 'What a woman!'

  'Mad as hell.' William said. 'Listen to her.'

  They stood outside in the passage and they listened. They heard her yelling, then she began banging on the door, but she went on yelling and her voice was not the voice of a woman, it was the voice of an enraged but articulate bull.

  The Stag said, 'Now quick. The girls. Follow me. And from now on you've got to act serious. You've got to act serious as hell.'

  He ran down the passage towards the dressing room, followed by Stuffy and William. Outside the door he stopped, the other two stopped and they could still hear Rosette yelling from her office. The Stag said, 'Now don't say anything. Just act serious as hell,' and he opened the door and went in.

  There were about a dozen girls in the room. They all looked up. They stopped talking and looked up at the Stag, who was standing in the doorway. The Stag clicked his heels and said. 'This is the Military Police. Les Gendarmes Militaires.' He said it in a stern voice and with a straight face and he was standing there in the doorway at attention with his cap on his head. Stuffy and William stood behind him.

  'This is the Military Police,' he said again, and he produced his identification card and held it up between two fingers.

  The girls didn't move or say anything. They stayed still in the middle of what they were doing and they were like a tableau because they stayed still. One had been pulling on a stocking and she stayed like that, sitting on a chair with her leg out straight and the stocking up to her knee with her hands on the stocking. One had been doing her hair in front of a mirror and when she looked round she kept her hands up to her hair. One was standing up and had been applying lipstick and she raised her eyes to the Stag but still held the lipstick to her mouth. Several were just sitting around on plain wooden chairs, doing nothing, and they raised their heads and turned them to the door, but they went on sitting. Most of them were in some sort of shiny evening dress, one or two were half-clothed, but most of them were in shiny green or shiny blue or shiny red or shiny gold, and when they turned to look at the Stag, they were so still that they were like a tableau.

  The Stag paused. Then he said, 'I am to state on behalf of the authorities that they are sorry to disturb you. My apologies, mesd'moiselles. But it is necessary that you come with us for purposes of registration, et cetera. Afterwards you will be allowed to go. It is a mere formality. But now you must come, please. I have conversed with Madame.'

  The Stag stopped speaking, but still the girls did not move.

  'Please,' said the Stag, 'get your coats. We are the military.' He stepped aside and held open the door. Suddenly the tableau dissolved, the girls got up, puzzled and murmuring, and two or three of them moved towards the door. The others followed. The ones that were half-clothed quickly slipped into dresses, patted their hair with their hands and came too. None of them had coats.

  'Count them,' said the Stag to Stuffy as they filed out of the door. Stuffy counted them aloud and there were fourteen.

  'Fourteen, sir,' said Stuffy, who was trying to talk like a sergeant-major.

  The Stag said, 'Correct,' and he turned to the girls who were crowded in the passage. 'Now, mesd'moiselles, I have the list of your names from Madame, so please do not try to run away. And do not worry. This is merely a formality of the military.'

  William was out in the passage opening the door which led to the stairs, and he went out first. The girls followed and the Stag and Stuffy brought up the rear. The girls were quiet and puzzled and worried and a little frightened and they didn't talk, none of them talked except for a tall one with black hair who said, 'Mon Dieu, a formality of the military. Mon Dieu, mon Dieu, what next.' But that was all and they went on down. In the hall they met the Egyptian who had a flat face and two cauliflower ears. For a moment it looked as though there would be trouble. But the Stag waved his identification card in his face and said, 'The Military Police,' and the man was so surprised that he did nothing and let them pass.

  And so they came out into the street and the Stag said, 'It is necessary to walk a little way, but only a very little way,' and they turned right and walked along the sidewalk with the Stag leading. Stuffy at the rear and William walking out on the road guarding the flank. There was some moon now. One could see quite well and William tried to keep in step with Stag and Stuffy tried to keep in step with William, and they swung their arms and held their heads up high and looked very military, and the whole thing was a sight to behold. Fourteen girls in shiny evening dresses, fourteen girls in the moonlight in shiny green, shiny blue, shiny red, shiny black and shiny gold, marching along the street with the Stag in front, William alongside and Stuffy at the rear. It was a sight to behold.

  The girls had started chattering. The Stag could hear them, although he didn't look around. He marched on at the head of the column and when they came to the crossroads he turned right. The others followed and they had wal
ked fifty yards down the block when they came to an Egyptian cafe. The Stag saw it and he saw the lights burning behind the blackout curtains. He turned around and shouted 'Halt!' The girls stopped, but they went on chattering and anyone could see now that there was mutiny in the ranks. You can't make fourteen girls in high heels and shiny evening dresses march all over town with you at night, not for long anyway, not for long, even if it is a formality of the military. The Stag knew it and now he was speaking.

  'Mesd'moiselles,' he said, 'listen to me.' But there was mutiny in the ranks and they went on talking and the tall one with dark hair was saying, 'Mon Dieu, what is this? What in hell's name sort of a thing is this, oh mon Dieu?'

  'Quiet,' said the Stag. 'Quiet!' and the second time he shouted it as a command. The talking stopped.

  'Mesd'moiselles,' he said, and now he became polite. He talked to them in his best way and when the Stag was polite there wasn't anyone who didn't take it. It was an extraordinary thing because he could make a kind of smile with his voice without smiling with his lips. His voice smiled while his face remained serious. It was a most forcible thing because it gave people the impression that he was being serious about being nice.

  'Mesd'moiselles,' he said, and his voice was smiling. 'With the military there always has to be formality. It is something unavoidable. It is something that I regret exceedingly. But there can be chivalry also. And you must know that with the R.A.F. there is great chivalry. So now it will be a pleasure if you will all come in here and take with us a glass of beer. It is the chivalry of the military.' He stepped foward, opened the door of the cafe and said, 'Oh for God's sake, let's have a drink. Who wants a drink?'

  Suddenly the girls saw it all. They saw the whole thing as it was, all of them at once. It took them by surprise. For a second they considered. Then they looked at one another, then they looked at the Stag, then they looked around at Stuffy and at William, and when they looked at those two they caught their eyes and the laughter that was in them. All at once the girls began to laugh and William laughed and Stuffy laughed and they moved forward and poured into the cafe.

  The tall one with dark hair took the Stag by the arm and said, 'Mon Dieu. Military Police, mon Dieu, oh mon Dieu,' and she threw her head back and laughed and the Stag laughed with her. William said, 'It is the chivalry of the military,' and they moved into the cafe.