Roald Dahl Whoppsy-Whiffling Joke Book Read online

  About 3,000 miles!

  What did one flag say to the other?

  Nothing, it just waved.

  What happens when you throw a green stone in the Red Sea?

  It gets wet!

  What do Scotsmen eat?

  Tart ’n’ pie!

  What is the most slippery country in the world?

  Greece!

  Why is Russia a very fast-moving country?

  Because the people are always Russian!

  What travels around the world and stays in the corner?

  A stamp!

  How does the sea say hello?

  It waves!

  How do we know that the Earth won’t come to an end?

  Because it’s round!

  Why is Dublin getting bigger?

  Because it’s always Dublin!

  What sort of hat does a penguin wear?

  An ice cap!

  What pie can fly?

  A magpie!

  Did you hear about the wooden car with wooden wheels and a wooden engine?

  It wooden go anywhere!

  Which country do pirates try to sail toward?

  Arrrrrrgentina!

  If Ireland sank into the sea, which county would stay afloat?

  Cork!

  What did the tourist say about his trip to Cardiff?

  He had a Wales of a time!

  What do you call a chicken at the North Pole?

  Lost!

  What do people complain about when they visit Cuba?

  Nothing—they’re usually Havana great time!

  What do you get when you cross a plane and a snake?

  A Boeing constrictor!

  James decided that he rather liked the CENTIPEDE. He was obviously a rascal, but what a change it was to hear somebody LAUGHING once in a while.

  Where did the pencil go on vacation?

  Pencil-vania!

  What do you get when you cross a pilot with a wizard?

  A flying sorcerer!

  What should you write before going on vacation to the Czech Republic?

  A Czech-list!

  The Pelly’s FISHY FUNNIES

  These jokes stink!

  Why do fish live in salt water?

  Because pepper makes them sneeze!

  Where do killer whales go to hear music?

  The orca-stra!

  What do you call a fish without an eye?

  A fsh!

  How do you make a goldfish old?

  Take away the “g”!

  “Now what on earth would that be?” asked the Pelican. “I have heard of a fish-pie and a fish-cake and a fish-finger, but I have never heard of a fish-monger. Are these mongers good to EAT?”

  Where do fish keep their money?

  In a riverbank!

  What do whales eat?

  Fish and ships!

  Which part of a fish weighs the most?

  The scales!

  Which day do fish hate?

  Fryday!

  What do you get from a bad-tempered shark?

  You get as far away as possible!

  What’s the difference between a fish and a piano?

  You can’t tuna fish!

  Which fish only swims at night?

  A starfish.

  What did the sardine call the submarine?

  A can of people.

  What do fish take to stay healthy?

  Vitamin sea!

  Why was the mouse afraid of the water?

  Because of the catfish!

  What’s the worst thing about being an octopus?

  Washing your hands before dinner!

  Where are sharks from?

  Finland!

  Why don’t fish like tennis?

  Because they’re afraid of the net!

  Why don’t lobsters like to share?

  Because they’re shellfish!

  What is a pirate’s favorite’s fish?

  A swordfish!

  How do oysters call their friends?

  On shell phones!

  The BFG’s GIANT JOKES

  Giant jokes for giant giggles!

  How many balls of string would it take to reach the moon?

  Just one, if it’s long enough!

  What is as big as a giant but weighs nothing?

  Its shadow!

  Where do you find giant snails?

  On the end of giants’ fingers!

  What holds the sun up in the sky?

  Sunbeams!

  How do you talk to a giant?

  Use big words!

  Knock knock.

  Who’s there?

  Sarah.

  Sarah who?

  Sarah giant living here?

  Why is there always a conversation going on in the garden?

  Because Jack and the beans talk.

  How do you greet a three-headed giant?

  Politely!

  The Giant let out a bellow of LAUGHTER. “Just because I is a giant, you think I is a MAN-GOBBLING cannybull!” he shouted.

  What do you call a giant’s raincoat?

  A tent!

  What do you call a giant’s shoes?

  Boats!

  What did the giant say to the lion?

  “Here, kitty kitty!”

  What is even higher than a giant?

  A giant’s hat!

  What bugs bother giants?

  Gi-ants!

  What do giants call little girls?

  Dinner!

  What do giants call little boys?

  Dessert!

  What’s a giant’s favorite type of bean?

  A human bean!

  Who is the BFG’s biggest enemy?

  It’s hard to say— they’re all giant!

  FUNNY BUGS

  Laughs with bite!

  What did the slug say as he slipped down the window very fast?

  “How slime flies!”

  What reads and lives underground?

  A bookworm!

  What do you do when two snails have a fight?

  Leave them to slug it out!

  What is the strongest animal in the world?

  A snail, because it carries its house on its back!

  What did the dog say to the flea?

  “Stop bugging me!”

  What did the snail say when he got on the turtle’s shell?

  “Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!”

  How do fleas get around?

  They itch-hike!

  Why was the Centipede late for the football match?

  It took ages to put on its cleats!

  What do you call two spiders who just got married?

  Newlywebs!

  What bugs sing a lot?

  Humbugs!

  What do you call little bugs who live on the moon?

  Lunar-ticks!

  What do you call a fly without wings?

  A walk!

  Where would you put an injured insect?

  Into an ant-bulance!

  “Stop PULLING the Earthworm’s leg,” the Ladybug said. This sent the Centipede into hysterics. “Pulling his leg!” he cried, wriggling with glee and pointing at the Earthworm. “Whi
ch leg am I PULLING? You tell me that!”

  What’s the brightest insect?

  A firefly!

  Why did the fly fly?

  Because the spider spied 'er!

  What kind of bug does a cowboy ride?

  A horsefly!

  What do you do with a bee who’s hurt his wing?

  Take him to a wasp-ital!

  What are caterpillars scared of?

  Dog-erpillars!

  Who won the fight between two silkworms?

  It was a tie!

  What’s the difference between an elephant and a flea?

  An elephant can have fleas, but a flea can’t have elephants!

  Why couldn’t the butterfly go to the dance?

  Because it was a moth-ball!

  What do you call a snail on a ship?

  A snailor!

  How does a firefly race start?

  Ready, set, glow!

  What did one frog say to the other?

  “Time’s fun when you’re having flies!”

  Who is a bee’s favorite composer?

  Bee-thoven!

  The ENORMOUS CROCO-SMILE!

  Get your teeth into these!

  What would the Enormous Crocodile be called if he was a detective?

  An investi-gator!

  What do you call a thieving alligator?

  A crook-odile!

  What has four legs, a trunk, and sunglasses?

  The Enormous Crocodile on vacation!

  Why don’t crocodiles like fast food?

  Because they can’t catch it!

  What’s worse than a crocodile coming to dinner?

  Two crocodiles coming to dinner!

  The Enormous Crocodile laughed so much his teeth RATTLED together like pennies in a piggy bank. “Crocodiles don’t eat BERRIES,” he said. “We eat little boys and girls.”

  What do crocodiles call children?

  Appetizers!

  What’s worse than two crocodiles coming to dinner?

  Three crocodiles coming to dinner!

  What do you call a crocodile who likes to go bowling?

  An alley-gator!

  What do get if you cross a crocodile with a chicken?

  Croc-a-doodle-doo!

  What is a crocodile’s favorite game?

  Snap!

  What do you call an alligator who starts fights?

  An insti-gator!

  What do you get if you cross a crocodile and a flower?

  I don’t know, but I don’t want to smell it!

  Is it true that a crocodile won’t attack you if you’re carrying a flashlight?

  It depends how fast you’re carrying it!

  Why did the alligator get angry with his friend for crying?

  They were just crocodile tears!

  CUSTOMER: I’d like to order some crocodile boots, please.

  ASSISTANT: No problem. What size boots does your crocodile wear?

  If a crocodile makes shoes, what do bananas make?

  Slippers!

  Trunky’s JUMBO JOKES

  For kids of any age — it’s irr-elephant!

  How are elephants and trees alike?

  They both have trunks!

  What do you call an elephant in a phone booth?

  Stuck!

  What did the peanut say to the elephant?

  Nothing, peanuts don’t talk!

  What time is it when an elephant sits on your bed?

  Time to get a new bed!

  Where does an elephant pack his luggage?

  In his trunk!

  Where does a ten-ton elephant sit?

  Anywhere it wants to!

  How do you stop an elephant from making a noise?

  Switch it to silent!

  How do you stop an elephant from charging?

  Unplug it from the wall socket!

  What did the grape do when the elephant stepped on it?

  It let out a little wine!

  Why would an elephant paint its toenails different colors?

  To hide in a bag of candy!

  Why did the elephant leave the circus?

  He was tired of working for peanuts.

  Then, with a crashing of branches, Trunky the Elephant came rushing out of the jungle.

  “That’s not a bench you were going to sit on!” he bellowed. “It’s the Enormous Crocodile, and he wants to EAT you all up!”

  What time is it when ten elephants are chasing another elephant?

  Ten to one!

  Why are elephants wrinkly?

  Because they don’t fit on an ironing board!

  What game do elephants play when riding in the back of a car?

  Squash!

  What is the biggest sort of ant?

  An eleph-ant!

  What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish?

  Swimming trunks!

  How do you know when an elephant has been in your refrigerator?

  There are footprints in the butter!

  What do you do with a green elephant?

  Wait until it ripens!

  What is big and gray and protects you from the rain?

  An umbr-elephant!

  What should you give an elephant who’s going to be sick?

  Plenty of space!

  Mr. Fox’s FARMYARD FUNNIES

  Shhh! Don’t let Boggis, Bunce, and Bean hear you giggling!

  Where do sheep go on holiday?

  The Baaaa-hamas!

  What do you call a cow that eats your grass?

  A lawn moo-er!

  What has four legs and goes “Oom, oom”?

  A cow walking backward!

  Why do cows go to the theater?

  To see the moo-sicals!

  What do you call a pig who knows karate?

  A porkchop!

  “To Mr. Fox!” they all shouted, standing up and raising their GLASSES.

  “To Mr. Fox! Long may he live!”

  Why did the lamb cross the road?

  To get to the baaaa-rber shop!

  What do you call a cow in a tornado?

  A milkshake!