Roald Dahl Whoppsy-Whiffling Joke Book Read online

  What do you call a pig that’s been arrested for dangerous driving?

  A road hog!

  What do you call a sleeping bull?

  A bulldozer!

  What do you call a cow that twitches?

  Beef jerky!

  What is the difference between a car and a bull?

  A car only has one horn!

  What did one cow say to the other?

  “Mooooooove over!”

  What was the first animal in space?

  The cow that jumped over the moon!

  What is the easiest way to count a herd of cattle?

  With a cow-culator!

  What did the farmer call the cow that wouldn’t give him any milk?

  An udder failure!

  Why did the policeman give the sheep a parking ticket?

  He was a baaaad driver.

  Why did the policeman give the sheep another ticket?

  He made an illegal ewe turn!

  What has four wheels, gives milk, and eats grass?

  A cow on a skateboard!

  What is a cow’s favorite place?

  The mooseum!

  What does a calf become after it’s one year old?

  Two years old.

  What do you give a pig with a rash?

  Oinkment!

  COW: Moooove over!

  SHEEP: Naaaa!

  Where do cows go on Saturday night?

  To the moooovies!

  Why did the pig go “moo”?

  Because it was learning a second language!

  What do you get when you cross a dinosaur and a pig?

  Jurassic pork!

  What do you get from a pampered cow?

  Spoiled milk!

  How many sheep do you need to make a sweater?

  None—sheep can’t knit!

  Where do horses live?

  In the neigh-borhood!

  What do you call a pig with no legs?

  A groundhog!

  What is a

  horse’s favorite sport?

  Stable tennis!

  Muggle-Wump’s MONKEY BUSINESS

  Monkey around telling your friends these jokes!

  What do you call an exploding monkey?

  A baboom!

  What did the banana do when the monkey chased it?

  The banana split!

  What did the angry monkey do?

  He went bananas!

  What do you call a massive gorilla?

  Sir!

  How do monkeys get down the stairs?

  They slide down the banana-ster!

  What is an ape’s favorite cookie?

  Chocolate chimp!

  Why did the monkey like the banana?

  Because it had appeal!

  Where should a monkey go when she loses her tail?

  To a re-tailer!

  How do you catch a monkey?

  Climb a tree and act like a banana!

  What kind of key opens a banana?

  A monkey!

  How do you make a gorilla stew?

  Keep it waiting for two hours!

  Where do chimps get their gossip from?

  The ape-vine!

  “Ah-ha!” cried Muggle-Wump. “Now for the fun! Now for the greatest UPSIDE-DOWN trick of all time! Are you ready?”

  What do you call a flying monkey?

  A hot-air baboon!

  What do you call a monkey selling potato chips?

  A chip-munk!

  What do monkeys do for a laugh?

  Tell each other jokes about children!

  Where do monkeys sleep at summer camp?

  In their ape-ricots!

  What do you call a baby ape?

  A chimp off the old block!

  What do apes use to fix their houses?

  Monkey wrenches!

  Why shouldn’t you get into a fight with an ape?

  They use gorilla warfare!

  When do monkeys fall from the sky?

  During Ape-ril showers!

  Why do apes tell such bad stories?

  Because they have no tails!

  What do chimps wear when they’re cooking?

  Ape-rons!

  Why are apes so noisy?

  They were raised in a zoo!

  Why did the monkey put a net over his head?

  He wanted to catch his breath!

  Why did the giant ape climb up the skyscraper?

  The elevator was broken!

  Why do gorillas have big nostrils?

  Because they have big fingers!

  What do you call a gorilla in a tree?

  Branch manager!

  Dirty Beasts and ANIMAL ANTICS

  Funnier than a trip to the zoo!

  What did the snake say when he was offered a piece of cheese?

  “Thank you, I’ll just have a slither.”

  Why do animals wear fur coats?

  Because they would look silly in plastic raincoats!

  What do you do if your dog chews up a dictionary?

  Take the words out of his mouth!

  What do you call a girl with a frog on her head?

  Lily!

  What goes tick-tock, bow-wow, tick-tock, bow-wow?

  A watch dog!

  Where do mice moor their boats?

  At the hickory dickory dock.

  What is a cat’s favorite movie?

  The Sound of Meow-sic!

  How does a dog stop a video?

  He presses the paws button!

  What is it called when you lend money to a bison?

  A buff-a-loan!

  On which side do tigers have the most stripes?

  The outside!

  “She is the Giraffe!” the Pelican answered.

  “Is she not wonderful? Her LEGS are on the ground floor and her head is looking out of the top WINDOW!”

  What happened to the frog’s car?

  It got toad away!

  What is a cheetah’s favorite meal?

  Fast food!

  Why was the cat afraid of the tree?

  Because of the bark!

  What does a cat say when somebody steps on its tail?

  “Me-ow!”

  What do you get when you plant a frog?

  A cr-oak tree!

  How do you stop a dog barking in the back seat of a car?

  Put him in the front seat!

  What is the quietest kind of dog?

  A hush puppy!

  How is a dog like a telephone?

  It has collar ID!

  Why do cows wear bells?

  Because their horns don’t work!

  What did the carrot say to the rabbit?

  “Do you want to grab a bite?”

  What kind of cat should you never play games with?

  A cheetah!

  What is black and white and red all over?

  A panda with a rash!

  Why are giraffes so slow to apologize?

  It takes them a long time to swallow their pride!

  What do you call a dog that likes bubble baths?

  A sham-poodle!

  How did Noah see the animals in the ark at
night?

  With flood lights!

  What happened when the lion ate the comedian?

  He felt funny!

  What’s black and white and red all over?

  A blushing zebra!

  What did the mother buffalo say to her son before he went to school?

  “Bison!”

  What kind of dog always runs a fever?

  A hot dog!

  What do you do if your cat swallows your pencil?

  Use a pen!

  Which pine has the longest needles?

  A porcupine!

  What kind of cars do cats drive?

  Cat-illacs!

  What do you call a deer with no eyes?

  No eye-deer!

  There were ten cats in a boat and one jumped out. How many were left?

  None—they were all copycats!

  What’s black and white and red all over?

  A sunburnt zebra!

  What is a young dog’s favorite kind of pizza?

  Pupperoni!

  How does a mouse feel after it takes a shower?

  Squeaky clean!

  What do you get if you cross an owl with a lion?

  A growl!

  What do camels use to hide themselves?

  Camel-flage!

  What do you call a messy hippo?

  A hippopota-mess!

  What is a frog’s favorite year?

  A leap year!

  Where do felines buy their clothes from?

  Cat-alogs!

  Where do canines buy their clothes from?

  Dog-ologs!

  Why did the pony go to the doctor?

  He was feeling a little hoarse!

  What do you call a pile of kittens?

  A meow-ntain!

  Why are frogs so happy?

  Because they eat what bugs them!

  What kinds of books do rabbits like to read?

  Books with hoppy endings!

  When a duck has no money, what does he say to the waiter?

  “Just put it on my bill!”

  Where do penguins go to dance?

  The snow ball!

  Squirrel NUTS

  Nuttier than Wonka’s Nutty Crunch Surprise!

  What do you get if you cross a suitcase and a squirrel?

  A nut-case!

  Where did the squirrel store his food?

  In his pan-tree!

  How do you catch a squirrel?

  Climb up a tree and act like a nut!

  How do you catch a sophisticated squirrel?

  Climb up a tree and act like a cashew nut!

  What do squirrels eat on vacation?

  Coconuts!

  Why did the red squirrel ask for help with some work?

  It was a bit of a gray area!

  Why couldn’t the squirrel eat the walnut?

  It was one tough nut to crack!

  “All right,” said Mr. Wonka, “stop here for a moment and catch your BREATH, and take a peek through the glass panel of this door. But don’t go in! Whatever you do, don’t go into THE NUT ROOM! If you go in, you’ll disturb the SQUIRRELS!”

  Why do woodland animals not eat all their food in one go?

  They like to squirrel it away!

  Why can’t you be friends with a squirrel?

  They drive everyone nuts!

  Why did the squirrel take apart the car?

  To get down to the nuts and bolts!

  JOKES for TWITS!

  WARNING: These jokes stink!

  How do you keep a skunk from smelling?

  Hold its nose!

  How many skunks does it take to make a big stink?

  A phew!

  Why does a giraffe have such a long neck?

  Because its feet reek!

  Why do skunks like old movies?

  Because they are black and white.

  What I am trying to tell you is that Mr. Twit was a foul and SMELLY old man.

  My dog has no nose. How does he smell?

  Awful!

  Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl going to the toilet?

  Because it has a silent “p”!

  What did one eye say to the other?

  “Between you and me, something smells.”

  What’s black and white, black and white, black and white and green?

  Three skunks fighting over a pickle!

  What did one snowman say to the other?

  “Do you smell carrots?”

  What sorts of books do skunks like to read?

  Best-smellers!

  Why is your nose in the middle of your face?

  Because it’s the scent-er.

  What always smells best at the dinner table?

  Your nose!

  What did one toilet say to the other?

  “You look flushed!”

  What color socks do bears wear?

  They don’t wear socks—they go around with bear feet!

  Did you hear the joke about the gym sock?

  You wouldn’t want to—it absolutely stinks!

  If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do fighter pilots get?

  Missile-toe!

  What does a pirate call the pattern on his smelly socks?

  Arrrrrrrr-gyle!

  Why did the pig take a bath?

  The farmer said “hogwash”!

  Why shouldn’t you tease eggs about their smell?

  They can’t take a yolk!

  What do you call a helicopter with a skunk for a pilot?

  A smelly-copter!

  What has a bottom at the top?

  Your legs!

  What’s the difference between cabbage and boogers?

  Kids don’t eat cabbage!

  What did the dog say after his third bath?

  “Why do I still smell like a wet dog?”

  What do you get if you cross a skunk with a boomerang?

  A bad smell that keeps coming back!

  Why did the man hate hearing jokes about his feet?

  They were too corny!

  What do you call a dinosaur with smelly feet?