Roald Dahl Whoppsy-Whiffling Joke Book Read online

  Ex-stinked!

  What did the smelly judge say?

  “Odor in court!”

  The MOST MONSTROUS Gags EVER!

  Watch out! These ones are frighteningly funny.

  How can you tell the difference between a rabbit and a red-eyed monster?

  Just try getting a red-eyed monster into a rabbit hutch.

  What do you do with a green monster?

  Put it in the sun until it ripens!

  Why did the monster paint himself in rainbow colors?

  Because he wanted to hide in the crayon box!

  What do you give a monster with big feet?

  Big slippers!

  “Look out!” cried the BFG. “It’s the BLOODBOTTLER!”

  Why was the big, hairy, two-headed monster top of the class at school?

  Because two heads are better than one!

  What did the big, hairy monster do when he lost a hand?

  He went to the second-hand shop!

  How do you stop a monster digging up your garden?

  Take his spade away!

  What does a polite monster say when he meets you for the first time?

  “Pleased to eat you!”

  Why did all the food get eaten at the monster’s party?

  Because everyone was goblin!

  What kind of monster can sit on the end of your finger?

  The boogeyman!

  Why did the big, hairy monster give up boxing?

  Because he didn’t want to spoil his looks!

  What happens if a big, hairy monster sits in front of you at the cinema?

  You miss most of the film!

  Why did the two cyclopses fight?

  They could never see eye to eye on anything!

  How do you know when there’s a monster under your bed?

  Your nose touches the ceiling!

  What is the best way to speak to a monster?

  From a long distance!

  Why did the monster have green ears and a red nose?

  So that he could hide in rhubarb patches!

  How do you tell a good monster from a bad one?

  If it’s a good one you will be able to talk about it later!

  What’s big, heavy, furry, dangerous and has sixteen wheels?

  A monster on roller skates!

  What do you call a huge, ugly, slobbering, furry monster with cotton balls in his ears?

  Anything you like—he can’t hear you!

  Why couldn’t the swamp monster go to the party?

  Because he was bogged down in his work!

  How do you know that there’s a monster in your bath?

  You can’t get the shower curtain closed!

  Who won the witch beauty contest?

  No one!

  How do you get six monsters in a cookie jar?

  Take the cookies out first!

  Why was the monster standing on his head?

  He was turning things over in his mind!

  What should you do if a monster runs through your front door?

  Run through the back door!

  What do little vampires learn at school?

  The alpha-bat!

  What sort of monster loves to party?

  The boogie-man!

  Why are monsters so forgetful?

  Everything goes in one ear and out the five others!

  What did the monster say about his eight arms?

  They come in very handy!

  What do monsters like on their sandwiches?

  Ghoul-slaw!

  WHICH One’s WITCH?

  These jokes are the Grand High Witch’s worst nightmare!

  How did the witch look after she was run over by a car?

  Tire-d!

  What is green on the outside and evil and ugly on the inside?

  A witch dressed as a cucumber!

  What is evil, ugly and goes round and round?

  A witch in a revolving door!

  What happens if you see twin witches?

  You won’t be able to tell which witch is which!

  What does a witch get if she is a poor traveler?

  Broom sick!

  Why did the witch put her broom in the wash?

  She wanted a clean sweep!

  Why did the stupid witch keep her clothes in the fridge?

  She liked to have something cool to slip into in the evenings!

  Why did the witch give up fortune telling?

  There was no future in it!

  What has six legs and flies?

  A witch giving her cat a ride!

  What has handles and flies?

  A witch in a trash can!

  What is evil, ugly, and bounces?

  A witch on a trampoline!

  What did the doctor say to the witch in hospital?

  With any luck you’ll soon be well enough to get up for a spell!

  How do witches lose weight?

  They join Weight Witches!

  What do witches race on?

  Vroom-sticks!

  Have you heard about the good weather witch?

  She’s forecasting sunny spells!

  How is the witch’s football team doing?

  They’re going through a successful spell!

  What makes more noise than an angry witch?

  Two angry witches!

  What happened to the witch with an upside-down nose?

  Every time she sneezed, her hat blew off!

  What happened when the witch went for a job as a TV presenter?

  The producer said that she had the perfect face for radio!

  Why did the witch join the soccer team?

  Because she heard they were looking for a new sweeper!

  Who turns the lights off at Halloween?

  The lights witch!

  What do you call a witch with one leg?

  Eileen!

  What is the best way of stopping infection from witch bites?

  Don’t bite any witches!

  A real WITCH gets the same pleasure from SQUELCHING a child as you get from eating a plateful of strawberries and thick cream.

  What do witches sing at Christmas?

  “Deck the Halls with Poison Ivy!”

  What is old, ugly, and bright blue?

  A witch holding her breath!

  What happens to naughty witches at school?

  They get ex-spelled!

  What do you call a witch who likes the beach but is afraid of the water?

  A chicken sand-witch!

  Why do witches like cooking with toads’ legs?

  A child’s legs wouldn’t fit in the cauldron!

  What do you get if you cross a witch and an iceberg?

  A cold spell!

  What do you call a nice, friendly witch?

  A failure!

  What goes cackle, cackle, cackle . . . BOOM?

  A witch in a minefield!

  What is a witch with allergies called?

  An itchy witchy!

  What’s the best way of talking to a witch?

  Over the phone!

  Why didn’t the witch sing at the concert?

  She had a frog in her throat!

  What do you call it when a witch’s cat falls off her broomstick?


  A cat-astrophe!

  What has six legs and flies?

  Three witches on one broomstick!

  Formula 86 FUNNIES

  Make your friends squeak with laughter!

  What do cats call mice on skateboards?

  Meals on wheels!

  When is it unlucky to see a black cat cross your path?

  When you’re a mouse!

  What do angry mice send each other at Christmas?

  Cross-mouse cards!

  What goes dot-dot-dash-squeak?

  Mouse code!

  What did the cat have for breakfast?

  Mice Krispies!

  What is a mouse’s favorite game?

  Hide and squeak!

  Who are small, furry, and good with swords?

  The Three Mouse-keteers!

  How do you save a drowning mouse?

  Mouse-to-mouse resuscitation!

  When is it time to oil your mouse?

  When it starts squeaking!

  What do you get when you lock mice in the freezer?

  Mice cubes!

  What do mice like for dessert?

  Mice cream!

  When do mice need to carry an umbrella?

  When it’s raining cats and dogs!

  Why is there no such thing as a mousefish?

  Because of all the catfish!

  Which Roman emperor was actually a mouse?

  Julius Cheese-r.

  What do mice do when they’re at home?

  Mouse-work!

  Bruno looked down at his paws. He jumped.

  “Good grief!” he cried. “I am a MOUSE! You wait till my father hears about this!”

  “He may think it’s an improvement,” I said.

  What is hairy and lives on a man’s face?

  A mouse-tache!

  How do mice celebrate when they move?

  They throw a mouse-warming party!

  Wonka WISECRACKS

  Sweeten up even the most boring adults!

  What do Oompa-Loompas use to clean their teeth?

  Candy floss!

  Did you hear the joke about the chocolate sauce?

  I’m not telling you. You might spread it!

  What’s the best thing to put into a chocolate bar?

  Your teeth!

  What is better than seeing a chocolate river?

  Drinking a chocolate river!

  What did the bubblegum say to the shoe?

  “I’m stuck on you!”

  Why was the cookie sad?

  She was feeling crumby!

  What do Oompa-Loompas make sandwiches with?

  Shortbread!

  What kind of bear has no teeth?

  A gummy bear!

  “My dear boy,” said Grandpa Joe, raising himself up a little HIGHER on his pillow, “Mr. Willy Wonka is the most amazing, the most fantastic, the most extraordinary chocolate maker the world has ever seen! I thought everybody knew that!”

  What do you call a lamb covered in chocolate?

  A chocolate baaaa!

  What sort of keys do kids like to carry around with them?

  Coo-keys!

  Why did the ice cream truck get stuck?

  Because of the rocky road!

  Why did the jelly doughnut go to the dentist?

  Because it lost its filling!

  What happened to the chocolate factory?

  It melted!

  What kind of sweet is never on time?

  Choco-late!

  Where do you go to learn how to make ice cream?

  Sundae school!

  How do you make milk shake?

  Give it a fright!

  Knock knock!

  Who’s there?

  Banana!

  Banana who?

  Banana split so ice creamed!

  What cake is so hard it breaks your teeth?

  Marble pound cake!

  How do you make an apple turnover?

  Push it down a hill!

  What did the doughnut wear to bed?

  Jammies!

  Why do you put candles on the top of a birthday cake?

  It would be too difficult to put them on the bottom!

  What did the newspaper say to the ice cream?

  “What’s the scoop?”

  What do you give a sick lemon?

  Lemon-aid!

  How do astronauts eat their ice cream?

  In floats!

  Why did the giant put clouds in his pancakes?

  To make them light and fluffy!

  MORE JOKES for TWITS!

  WARNING: These jokes get hairy!

  What do you call a goat with a beard?

  Goatee!

  Who shaves ten times a day and still has a beard?

  The barber!

  What did the man say to his barber?

  “I moustache you a question, but I’ll shave it

  for later.”

  What happens when bearded men sunbathe?

  They get sideburns!

  Mr. Twit felt that his hairiness made him look terrifically wise and grand. But in truth he was neither of these things. Mr. Twit was a twit. He was born a twit. And now at the age of sixty, he was a BIGGER twit than ever.

  What did the man say about his enormous beard?

  “It just grew on me!”

  How do barbers make phone calls?

  They cut them short!

  Why did Mr. Twit put a rabbit on his head?

  He wanted a full head of hare!

  Why are people always asking Mr. Twit to turn round?

  They can’t tell which side of him is which!

  What do you call a pen with no hair?

  A bald point pen!

  Who never gets their hair wet in the shower?

  A bald man!

  Why did the bald man go outside?

  To get some fresh hair!

  Why doesn’t Mr. Twit want to shave his beard?

  He’s attached to it!

  What kind of beard does the sea have?

  Wavy!

  What’s the difference between Mr. Twit’s beard and a fridge?

  The food in a fridge is fresh!

  Why do barbers make good drivers?